Priceless

How was my weekend? Thanks for asking! Let me tell you:

Friday Night
1. Pick up my dudes from school
2. Drive 30 minutes to Hot Springs (closest movie theater)
3. Catch last matinee of ‘Prince Caspian’
4. Impromptu dinner at IHOP (International House of Pancakes)
5. Drive 30 minutes back home
6. Watch ‘Moonlight’ with oldest child
7. Sleep

Saturday
1. Nothing. Seriously. I was a total slug (minus the slime and aversion to salt).

Sunday
1. Awaken much earlier then God intended for mankind
2. Drive 4 hours to Dallas, TX with youngest child and fellow futbol fanatic
3. Lunch at random Latin grill (name escapes me at moment)
4. Hanging out at Pizza Hut Park (FC Dallas home stadium) in 95ºF heat for an hour and a half people watching and taking pictures during team warm ups
5. Absolutely RELIGIOUS experience at MLS (Major League Soccer) match watching LA Galaxy thrash FC Dallas

"FRISCO, Texas -- Edson Buddle scored two goals in a four-goal burst in 15 minutes in the first half, then completed his hat trick with a late finale as the Los Angeles Galaxy routed FC Dallas 5-1 at Pizza Hut Park on Sunday afternoon." ~Steve Hunt, MLSnet.comStaff (Fully Story)

6. Drive 4 hours home with scorching sunburn vowing to throw out the sunscreen that obviously had no purpose
7. Crash … as in sleep

How was your weekend?

The One Ring

I know it is hard to believe, due to my penchant for English Literature and blatant worship of J.R.R. Tolkien, but the title of this particular post is not an homage to Middle Earth, Frodo, Gollum or Sauron. That would be The Lord of the Rings for all you people out there who do not read (for shame) or have been living under a rock in recent years and missed out on the movie. Yes, movie. It is one movie. Just as the books were originally written as one work and forced into three novels by the publisher … the film is one movie. It just has three installments. Oi! I digress.

No, I am more concerned with the one ring that all married men (traditionally in the U.S.) should wear. Notice I said “should” wear. There is a growing trend of married men in this country who simply never wear a ring and this does not include the scumbags who usually wear one and take it off when they are out trolling for new blood. Apparently a lot of husbands are simply opting out of this one tradition.

“It's a dangerous business going out your front door.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Riddle me this: How the hell are us single girls supposed to differentiate between the married and the unmarried if we do not have a tell tale sign … like the ring to help guide us along the way?

I don’t particularly want the first three words of every new conversation I have with a man to begin with, “Are you married?”

Have you seen the film 'P.S. I Love You'? No? Well, I'm about to turn into Lisa Kudrow's character (Denise) in that movie. Here is an example of how she handles the dating scene.

{Denise walks up to a man.}
Denise: Are you single?
Guy: Yes
Denise: Are you gay?
Guy: Yes
{Denise walks away.}
[A few frames later ...]
{Denise walks up to another man.}
Denise: Are you single?
Ted: Yes
Denise: Are you gay?
Ted: No
Denise: Are you working?
Ted: No
{Denise walks away.}

This sort of scene appears several times throughout the film. Yeah ... that's about to be me.

Fortune Follies

“Happiness is a Chinese meal; sorrow is a nourishment forever.” ~Carolyn Kizer

Chinese food. It is a favorite in this family. Both of my boys would rather dine on chicken and broccoli or egg drop soup than chicken nuggets or a hamburger. Me? Well, I am all for any type of cuisine considered ethnic: Indian, Ethiopian, Thai, Chinese, Mexican … food that has flavor. American food (with the exception of biscuits and gravy) bores me. Since Arkadelphia is sadly lacking in dining options, Chinese is the cuisine of choice when I give my little people the choice of eating in or going out. I do not mind. Although, I have yet to wrap my brain around the concept of the fortune cookie. What bored individual came to the conclusion that Americans need nasty, tasteless, pre-packaged cookie-type objects at the end of the meal? And yet – I still read mine. Who doesn’t? My children, in particular, love them. They eat the things too {{shudder}} and more often then not something interesting happens at the table because of the silly little things (the cookies ….. and my children).

It could possibly be some sort of curse to give birth to brilliant, funny, and quick-witted kids. Someday, somehow, I have got to learn to stop underestimating them. Seriously.

Take, for instance, my oldest child and what I have come to call his ‘Fortune Follies’ because of the laughter and giggles that inevitably follow the opening of a fortune cookie.

Follie #1
We had just finished a decent meal and here came the check and, of course, the cookies. Kyle (age 7) read his now forgettable fortune along with the ‘learn Chinese’ vocabulary and lucky numbers on the back. I gave up trying to stop my kids from reading everything on that tiny strip of paper a long time ago. Kenny (age 12) also read his fortune and the lucky numbers and yadda, yadda, yadda. Then, inevitably, it was my turn and I was staring at two eager faces waiting …. waiting. I read my fortune aloud not anticipating what would happen next.

Me (in my most awe inspiring fortune cookie reading voice): “Winds of change are sure to blow your direction.”
Sarcastic 12-year old: *snort* “Is that fortune for you, mom, or Mary Poppins?”
My brain quietly to itself: “Did he just say that?”
Me: “NICE ONE!!!” (High fives across the table)
Clueless 7-year old: “Huh?”
Me and older child together: “Nevermind!”

Follie #2
Meal finished, check comes with cookies … blah, blah, blah. I read my fortune first this time simply because I am finished eating. Yes, I am raising boys and they can put away some serious food in their skinny little bodies. The 7-year old finishes and reads yet another forgettable fortune. Suddenly, the most amazing thing occurs.

Oldest child: He sits holding his fortune cookie in two hands staring down at it when all of a sudden he emits an enthusiastic and convincing karate-type “hiiiiiiii-yaaaaaa” and proceeds to crack (break open) his fortune cookie on his forehead as though he has just broken through five cinder blocks.

[At this point several things happen simultaneously.]

Restaurant Patrons: Yeah – pretty much every head turns to stare at our table because the oldest was anything but quiet and the reactions of both his little brother and I were not exactly low-key either.
Youngest Child: Immediately turns into a wet noodle and slithers out of the booth and onto the floor in total fits of raucous laughter.
Me: You know when several things happen in your mind all at once and in a split-second? The responsible parent I know is trapped in this body somewhere wanted to shush both children and try to salvage some shred of dining decorum but I, too, was racked with uncontrollable laughter. Completely uncontrollable … punctuated by the fact that the instigator (Oldest Child) sat there for a moment with a look on his face that mumbled, “What? What did I do?” before he allowed himself to laugh with us. Comic timing. The kid is a natural.

Utter brilliance, I tell you. Brilliance!

I truly wish these tales translated on paper in as humorous a manner as they originally occurred. I am thinking about taking them (my children) on the road … a tour of Chinese dining establishments so we can bring ‘Fortune Follies’ to the masses.

“We're comic. We're all comics. We live in a comic time. And the worse it gets the more comic we are.” ~William Gaddis

You think?

I walked into my office, cubicle, box, workspace (whatever) at one point this morning to find the following printout sitting on my desk ... placed there by a coworker. What do you think he was trying to say? I think I already confessed to this fact.

"I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" ~Chandler, Friends

Beowulf

It is 3:15am CST. I just finished watching Beowulf and as I predicted it was absolute, total, theatrical crap. The words "bad movie" do this no justice. I should have known better. I refused to spend the money to go see it in the theater because I was convinced it would suck ... so I had Netflix deliver it to my door and that is two hours of my life lost forever in which I could have been rereading Beowulf instead of watching that shit.

Robert Zemeckis (the director) is an idiot.

"Beowulf is a timeless, epic tale of heroism and triumph. Digital rendering will allow us to depict this incredible story in ways we would never have dared imagine." ~Robert Zemeckis

Well, he got the first part of that right ... the "timeless, epic tale" part. As for going digital: Bullcrap! I mean, it could have worked. IT DIDN'T!

"No matter how many obstacles are thrown in our path, there are ways to except them and live through them." ~Robert Zemeckis

Seriously? NO! You think? Oh ... and did you catch his somewhat clever play on words: "except" instead of "accept"? Well, dude, it would have been a benefit to you to listen to your own advice and accepted that this was one obstacle you should have taken exception to and not tried to tackle because you failed royally. Bloody stupid.