"In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge." ~Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
Insomnia is not my friend. I guess it really is a friend to no one unless you absolutely need to stay awake for three straight days and your life depends on it. I, however, have no such need. True, I haven’t been fully awake for three days either. At some point last night I did manage a little (very little) sleep. It might have been an hour or two and it was anything but restful. The kicker here is that I should be sleeping and not just like a normal person. I pop a pill every night (bi-polar meds) that has a sedative in it … a pretty stout sedative. Yeah. I’ve had a sedative in my system and I’m still not sleeping.
"The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world." ~Leonard Cohen
At this point, I’m questioning the brilliant judgment I had in operating a moving vehicle this morning but a girl has to get to work somehow and I had to be here. I’m the only person in my department today so I’m stuck with trying to sound intelligent and knowledgeable when my brain feels like mush. Indeed, around 1030 this morning I began to feel this amazingly strong magnetic pull between my skull and the top of my desk. It seems that sleep has finally decided it wants to claim my body (for which I’m grateful) but it has chosen to do so in my work environment. Yep. Last night I was begging for sleep to come. Right now, I’m begging for it to go away until at least 1630 when I’m at home. I’m in such a foul mood that I want to chase down the sandman and beat the tar, well … sand out of him. It will be my luck that by the time I reach home my body will rally and I’ll be awake again. I hope not. I truly, truly hope not.
"Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking." ~Clifton Fadiman
I’ve already been questioned on my inability to sleep and if I had an easy answer for that question then I think I would have figured it out two days ago and slept well between then and now. Usually I suffer from insomnia because I have something weighing extremely heavily upon my mind. I feel no such notion. It’s got to be there. Something is there. Something is keeping me awake and I’ve yet to identify it in order to deal with and that, my friends, is very frustrating.
"We rose up betimes, for sleep weighs lightly on the hopeful as well as on the anxious." ~Johann D. Wyess, The Swiss Family Robinson
Tonight … value your sleep. Treasure it. Hopefully I’ll be reveling in it myself. I can only hope. In the meantime, I must find something stimulating to do because passing out on one’s desk is not advisable.
(Written: August 28, 2007)