Feelings, nothing more than feelings ...
Does anyone else out there absolutely abhor that song? Do you even know the song of which I speak? Yes? No? Either way – I hate it. This is one of those songs that lyrically and melodically should never have been written, let alone recorded. It makes me want to vomit. I know that was a phenomenal mental image you needed just then, but it does.
A good friend shared with me an interesting theory about myself last night. “You are afraid to feel,” she said. Interesting. It was a comment definitely worthy of more than just a moment of thought. Obviously I am still pondering the phrase or I wouldn’t be writing about it.
Am I afraid to feel?
In all likelihood … I probably am. Maybe. A little.
“To repress one's feelings only makes them stronger.” ~Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Film (2000)
You see, I like to think of myself as a pretty low maintenance woman … emotionally speaking. I do not like a lot of melodrama. I do not like to talk about my feelings. I do not like mushy feely-feely situations. I get uncomfortable in a room with a bunch of women who are all teary eyed or weepy discussing highly charged emotional issues. I hate ... absolutely hate to cry. I have come to harbor total disgust for the movie ‘The Notebook’ which apparently makes me worthy of being ostracized from my own sex.
I do not like feelings, but does that make me afraid to feel?
Feelings can not be trusted. Feelings have led me far astray the times that I have chosen to heed them. Feelings forgo analysis and rely on instinct and well, my over-analytical brain really has a hard time with that fact. It is possible that I analyze things way too deeply, but if I had proceeded as such through the earlier stages of my life I would have saved myself a lot of trouble … trouble caused by listening to my feelings.
"Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend," observed Poirot philosophically. "You cannot mix up sentiment and reason." ~Agatha Christie, The Mysterious Affair at Styles
I suppose the goal is to find some happy medium between one’s analysis of a situation and then incorporate those decisions into how one feels. Still, it seems like an awful lot of work. That’s it: ding, ding, ding!!! Work. Emotional work.
I am not afraid to feel … I am simply too emotionally apathetic to deal with it. Most have my feelings have been dutifully repressed for quite some time and bringing them out would likely cause some sort of chaos. Yep. Too lazy.
Well, I am quite sure that is not the healthiest realization of my lifetime … discovering that I am an emotional slug … but for now it will have to do because I do not feel like looking any deeper at the moment.
" . . . Natural affections and instincts, my dear sir, are the most beautiful of the Almighty's works, but like other beautiful works of His, they must be reared and fostered, or it is as natural that they should be wholly obscured, and that new feelings should usurp their place, as it is that the sweetest productions of the earth, left untended, should be choked with weeds and briers. I wish we could be brought to consider this, and remembering natural obligations a little more at the right time, talk about them a little less at the wrong one." ~Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickelby