“Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.”
~William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
I know. I know. Death is not exactly a preferred topic of discussion. Too bad. It is on my mind … so this is what you get.
I have been lucky, thus far, in my life – spared from having to deal with the death of someone close to me. Both of my parents are alive … as is my only brother. Blessedly, my closest friends are still alive and kicking as well. I guess it is about time that my luck cometh to an end. Oh – there have been acquaintances and extended family members that have passed away, but growing up an ocean and a continent away loosens the family ties and allows one the luxury of not really having to deal with loss on a deeply emotional level.
"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~Gladiator, Film (2000)
So … here I am. I am inexperienced in dealing with death and one of my greatest friends is staring the inevitable in the face. Second Degree Lung Cancer: The initial diagnosis was handed down just over a year ago now, but he still should have had plenty of time. Now, a year later he is facing a biopsy so see how far the cancer has spread and if removal of a lung is warranted … or even worth the try. He is 35. I know how he is feeling and coping, but that is not for me to divulge in such a public forum.
My feelings? Those I can give you.
“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.” ~Leon Bloy
This friend has always been there for me. Always. No questions asked. Despite this, we have not seen one another since 1994. It would not have been appropriate considering our marriages … now since ended. He is part of me and I am part of him. I am afraid. I am selfish. I do not want to lose him. I know I will. It is tangible. I can feel it. I am not ready.
“When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming.” Simon Birch, Film (1998)