Less Mental = More Hungry

“We of the craft are all crazy.” ~Lord Byron, English Poet

I have not been myself of late. I am me, but I have not been a good stable version of me. The ugly troll bipolar awoke from its medicinally induced coma. My body apparently adapted to drug of choice as body will tend to do after an extended period of time and … well … I was not so nice there for a bit. I do not mean to suggest that I am all happy, happy, joy, joy all the time to begin with, but those who have to interact with me on a daily basis got a good quick peek into what varying bouts of mania and melancholy can do to a person as it takes the host (that would be me) some time to realize that things just aren’t right and that it needs help.

Two weeks ago I hit smacked collided face first into “rock bottom” at alarming speed after four days of mania induced insomnia. What followed was two days (the weekend) of unbearable bouts of weeping. Tuesday morning I made an appointment with the doctor. That was my epiphany day. I am sure the cartoonish light bulb over my head was quite evident as the realization hit me, “Duh! I’m bipolar. How could I possibly forget? My meds must not be working anymore. Stupid drugs.” (Note: Bipolar is not something I actually forget. I am simply the last person in this galaxy to realize that I have skipped out of orbit and am now careening wildly through space.)

I adore my doctor. He always makes the time to actually sit and listen and he never rushes me. I find that, sadly, this is a rare quality in physicians today. I am glad I have a good one. I confessed to him that, in retrospect, I had been experiencing symptoms for at least two (maybe three) months. I was tired of feeling and acting like Gollum on crack …

“Gollum: Sméagol... Why does he cry, Sméagol?
Smeagol: Cruel men hurts us. Master tricksed us.
Gollum: Of course he did. I told you he was tricksy. I told you he was false.
Smeagol: Master is our friend... our friend.
Gollum: Master betrayed us.
Smeagol: No, not it's business. Leave us alone.
Gollum: Filthy little hobbites. They stole it from us.
Smeagol: No... No.
Faramir: What did they steal?
Gollum: Myyy PRECIOUSSS.”

~Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Film (2002)

(I shouldn't have to clarify but ... just in case: Gollum & Smeagol are the same creature!)

Got it? My precious is not a ring. It is my sanity. I do embrace my melancholia to a point, but the line between embracing the craziness and suicidal thought is very, very, very slim.

Doctor listened. I talked. We discussed varying options and I have new medication. A fortnight later and I feel much less like a mental case. In fact, I believe this new pill is working better than anything else I have tried to date. I feel really good. There is just one thing ...

I am SO hungry! Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!

The one big side-effect of this medication is the increase in appetite. This is not such a good thing for a girl my size. Crap! You know what though? I have already made a lot of lifestyle changes in regard to getting healthier. I am 100% willing to make more sacrifices and changes to keep from gaining additional weight.

This I can do for sanity.

“When a superior intellect and a psychopathic temperament coalesce . . . in the same individual, we have the best possible condition for the kind of effective genius that gets into the biographical dictionaries.” ~William James, Pioneering American Psychologist


  1. Am unwilling to make any supportive suggestions here. there is always a hunger .. for something.

  2. (edit ..should have written "reluctant").

  3. I've experienced anxiety-based insomnia which has led to all sorts of nasty emotional states, so I sympathize with what you're going through.

    Very glad the meds are helping.

  4. I also went through a short-term period of that when I was younger. I hope you feel better soon, Beth. :)

    I know your boys will be there to see you through this spell; they seem quite intelligent and precocious from what you've told us of them.

  5. davo ~ Why is it that we always hunger for something? Greener pastures and all that ...

    musing ~ Many thanks!

    mo ~ They are extremely bright and .. yes, the oldest will tell me if he thinks I'm off my rocker.

  6. Beth, words fascinate me .. and am often "off my rocker". Am guessing that that single word - "why" - is what differentiates us from the other mammals. Will think about it, one day, when sober.

  7. Love the LOTR Qoute. Needed no explanation.
    Sorry your meds are no longer working for you. I always hate having to change meds, and of course never do till my husband and boys remark on my wild mood swings. I'm not bipolar but suffer from deppression and anxiety attacks. Damn chemicals in our brains should just piss off and behave themselves.Good luck with the new meds and the pain in the a$$ side effects.

  8. God bless the medical establishment and its brightly colored little pills of happiness (dispensed by responsible practitioners only, of course)! As annoying as it can be when your body seems to undermine its own stability I personally am enormously grateful to live in a time when they can do something about it besides institutionalize me. :0P

    P.S> I, too, am a rabid Olypmics freak. I bawl every time we win a gold medal and the national anthem plays. *sniff* Here I go! *whimper*


"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman


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