Aimless Brain Wanderings

Have I mentioned that I have THE MOST AWESOME parents on the planet? I probably have. Still, I do. They are wonderfully gracious and amazing.

I had to turn on the heater last night. Boo. I hate cold weather. My equatorial blood is not happy about this turn of events.

I passed this guy on the way to work who is single-handedly attempting to bring back
this hair style. He is failing. I hope.

This is a short work week for me as I have dental appointments. Yay! Sad, really. I would rather be at the dentist. Work still bores me.

My cold has not abated. Devil virus.

I have been a bit of a hermit lately. This is bizarre behavior. Abnormal, indeed.

“The mind can weave itself warmly in the cocoon of its own thoughts, and dwell a hermit anywhere.” ~James Russell Lowell

Respect the chocolate!

I think
Heroes managed to get a wee bit back on track last night. Woo hoo! It was a pretty darn good episode. What say you … fellow geeks?

I am really craving Taco Bell right now. Don’t chastise. I am just as confused as you are.

Parental bragging rights: Little K made his school choir. Yes, he had to try out. Big K also made the All-Region School Choir for the second year running. I am quite the proud parent.

Have you ever spent astounding amounts of energy avoiding what, in all likelihood, is inevitable?

“There is no good in arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat.” ~James Russell Lowell

I know it is a public restroom but … “Damn!”

I should really think about becoming a vegetarian. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Whew! Wow! Excuse me while I go pick the dead animal from lunch out of my teeth.

I am weary of politics. One week. I can vote in one week and then we can just see what the future holds. One week. One week. One week.

Monday Mosaic #19 - Darkly Veiled

“The dark-veiled silhouette that solitary form patrolling without visible strain or vainglory a demented dreamland of fearful potential.” ~Kathryn Hulme

I am. I am. I am.

I can not breathe. I would love to blame the stifling humidity of a Southern summer or the asthma that I do not have. Even the confining boundaries of Small Town, USA threaten my ability to inhale oxygen; but it is, instead, the realization that I am no longer the woman that I once was. I have been responsible for the near suffocation of a person I love most dearly – me!

In truth, nothing this severe happens alone and without warning. I simply was not paying attention. Maybe I was hiding. Who knows? There are a number of stupid life decisions and situations that contributed to my current situation. They need not be revisited.

One particular afternoon, as I was wheezing for air, I realized that the time had come for me to embark on a voyage of rediscovery of myself. Who am I supposed to be? What happened to the vibrant and confident woman that existed fifteen years ago?

How do I get her back?

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am. ~Sylvia Plath

Acute Viral Nasopharyngitis

Huh? In other words … I have contracted a common cold. I woke this morning and immediately cursed the state of my head: congestion, sore throat, sneezing … the works. Still, I am at work. Ugh. I have switched from the guzzling of my morning coffee to the drinking of herbal tea with lemon. Head might still explode. Possibly.

"That it is common admits of no dispute. But why cold? Is it because we feel chilly when we have a cold or because chilling brings it on (or is supposed to do so) or because the infection is commoner during the cold time of the year?" ~Sir Christopher Andrewes, The Common Cold

I Need A Nap

Summer. What about it? I was awake all summer long, that’s what. Seriously. Insomnia. There was little rest or sleep for me over the summer months.

Fall. What about it? I want to sleep … all the time, that’s what. My body has waved goodbye to insomnia and immediately traversed from one extreme to the other. I feel borderline narcoleptic. I could easily take a nap at any given time during the hours that I am supposed to be awake and still not have trouble sleeping at night. This makes the drudgery of l … o … n … g, boring days at work much more difficult than usual. Not only do I have to fake being busy … I have to fake being alert when, in actuality, if I allow my eyes to close – I will be asleep inside of thirty seconds.

Nap often, so you'll be completely relaxed at bedtime. ~Jim Davis, Garfield Creator

Bring Me Nonsense

I have two more hours left in my work day. I have already spent six hours pretending to have some work to do. Nothing. No exaggeration. I think I am losing brain cells at an alarming and rapidly increasing rate due to inactivity. I am so bored I could easily take on Thing 1 and Thing 2 right now. What? I have children. Are they not the same?

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.” ~Dr. Seuss

Close The Gaps

I used to be an incredibly motivated individual. I seem to have lost that particular personality trait as of late. In fact, I would say I am dangerously close to becoming apathetic. I am terribly disinterested in just about everything.

Phase? Probably.

I hope.

So, I find myself on a quest to rebuild my own motivation. Where to start?

On a side note (sort of) …

I watched ‘
Into the Wild’ over the weekend. Wow! If you have not watched this film … you should. It is incredibly thought provoking and tackles the dichotomy between the natural world and the material world. What do we really need to survive? How important are our human relationships? What brings true and lasting happiness? It is brilliant. I find that I can not give a full review as I do not want to ruin the experience for those who will take the time to watch this wonderful movie. Instead, I will leave you with a few quotes:

“Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness – give me truth.” ~Into the Wild, Film (2007)

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” ~Into the Wild, Film (2007)

“Happiness is only real when shared.” ~Into the Wild, Film (2007)

Monday Mosaic #18 - Sea, Sky & Soul

“There is one spectacle grander than the sea, that is the sky; there is one spectacle grander than the sky, that is the interior of the soul” ~Victor Hugo

Time : Change

"Time changes everything: hearts, lives, and friends. Some things survive and some things die, but one thing is constant. As long as that clock keeps ticking things will never remain the same. Anger moves out and finds somewhere else to live. Bitterness is overcome with insight and light. Suddenly you know that you have to move on, just so life can get better. If you don’t let it go all the chaos remains. As time passes, you don't want to hurt anymore. As time passes, you don't want to cry anymore. Damn it, you just want to get better. You just want...finally you just…want. A a change has to come." ~Unknown

"Brave" Sir Robin, I Am Not

I once made a not so valiant effort at running away from home. I was seven. I think. It was an isolated incident as most of my childhood was pretty darn grand, but there was this one time that I had faked being sick as to avoid school.

As I am now twenty-some-odd-years removed from said day … I have no idea why I did not want to go to school. I am quite sure I had a good reason. Maybe there was a test I hoped to avoid. Perhaps I was angry at a friend. It is possible I simply felt like staying home. I doubt the reason will ever surface in my memory. I could concoct a reason but it would likely be highly inaccurate. I succeeded enough in my farce to miss
the van to school but my victory was to be short-lived.

I was supposed to be sick. My mother had told me to stay in bed and rest. I stubbornly refused to follow her directions. Within minutes of the van leaving for school I was out of my room and trying to play. Smart, huh? You would think I could have managed at least a couple more hours of my charade in order to make it more believable, but no. My mother called my bluff and sent me back to my room. As the drive to my elementary school was approximately thirty minutes one way I am quite sure she made the decision that I would remain home … but remain in my room. If playing sick was my game then it would be the only game I played that day.

There was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth … stomping of feet and slamming of doors. All generated by me, of course, not my mother.

I went unhappily to my room where I proceeded to pack myself a little suitcase full of clothing. Stomping through the kitchen I announced my intentions to leave and never come back. Now, I do not remember what my mother said to me as I was leaving. Her comment was in the vein of flippantly wishing me good luck in my pursuit which I am quite sure served to merely make me angrier and more determined.

Out the door I went, crossing the car park and up the steep hilled incline that served as our driveway. Our home was located on a compound with two other missionary homes that were at the top of the hill. I passed by both of them and made it to the gate of the compound … looking over my shoulder to see if my mother was coming after me. She wasn’t. I sat down. I cried. I picked up my suitcase and walked a few meters back toward the house. I sat down again. I cried more. I contemplated my decision and thought about how horrible my mother must be that she let me leave. I got up and walked half-way down the drive where I sat down again. I could see the door of my house from this location and there was still no sight of mother. I cried more … convinced I was no longer wanted. Several times I stood up and shuffled closer to the house before sitting down to pout some more. Eventually, I made my way all the way down the hill, through the door, down the hall and back into my room.

“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Monk

I never tried to run away from home again. This little story reminds me that when I am feeling overwhelmed I need to stand firm against whatever adversity is facing me. Running away will not solve the problem it will merely be postponed as I will have to come back to face the consequences eventually. It is best that I stand firm in the beginning.

Brave Sir Robin ran away...
bravely ran away away...
*I didn't!*
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
*I never did!*
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
*Oh, you liars!*
Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat … a brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
~Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Film (1975)

Monday Mosaic #17 - Let it Rain

“The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Spinning Our Own Fates

“We are spinning our own fates, good or evil, and never to be undone. Every smallest stroke of virtue or vice leaves its never-so-little scar.” ~William James

I think that somewhere along the fairway of my life I managed to step from the path and into a centrifuge type carnival … fair … amusement park ride. You know the ones. Everyone files into the circular ride and stands with back against the padded walls as the doors close and the ride begins to spin, slowly at first, but soon reaching such a velocity that even the movement of your head from side to side becomes difficult, impossible even. And, with human flesh plastered firmly against the wall, held in place by sheer momentum … the floor drops out … the ride tilts … all while spinning wildly faster and faster. Seemingly endless revolutions later the floor raises back into place and the ride begins to slow. Arms and legs, followed by heads and torsos, are peeled away from the padding as stability returns and the you go on about your merry way.

I am stuck in that ride … spinning rapidly … doing the same thing over and over again … the floor dropped out long ago … around and around I go. I am moving, but I am not getting anywhere. I am paralyzed by the centrifuge of circumstance.

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.” ~Bill Hicks

Monday Mosaic #16 - When God Paints

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Seduction at the Laundromat

I had to go to the laundromat today. The experience was rather uneventful except for the fact that I bumped into a familiar face from a previous excursion to the same location. Stupid small town. We didn’t speak. Perhaps he remembered me as well. Here is what I wrote last year regarding said experience:

Seduction at the Laundromat

I don’t have a washer and dryer in my apartment. I don’t even have the hookups for a washer and dryer in my apartment. It sucks, but it is part of life right now so I go with it. Honestly. What can I do? However, we do have a laundromat onsite at my apartment complex … one that has been shut down for unexplainable reasons for the last 3 weeks. As I am not willing to let the laundry pile any higher than Mt. Longonot, I finally caved in and hauled my mountainous baskets (with children in tow) to another laundromat before they collectively reached the height of Mt. Kilimanjaro.

Luckily, my kids are used to "going with the flow." I guess that’s part of being my children. They think anything beyond the ordinary is a great adventure. And, in typical childhood fashion, we arrived and they immersed themselves in their Nintendo DS game systems coming out of their electronically induced comas only long enough to realize two other boys in the laundromat also had DS systems and (courtesy of the built in wireless connectors) they could all play together even though they had not met prior to this day. It’s so easy for them.

Apparently ~ I looked like I was vulnerable prey. I’m not sure why. I was sitting near my kids with book in hand and iPod on ears minding my own business and not paying attention to anyone else in the vicinity of the waiting room. Oh … it is habit for me to "check out" everyone coming and going. Call it paranoia if you wish. I call it being aware of one’s surroundings. In my search for "awareness" this middle-aged gentleman with crazy "Dr. Frankenstein" hair, plaid "I think I’m a golfer" shorts and a pale yellow shirt came in with only two laundry baskets. He loaded his washers and then glanced about, no doubt surveying everyone else in the room as I had, before deciding that I needed company and plopped himself into the seat next to me.

I ignored him. In fact, I didn’t even look up or acknowledge that anyone else was there. Let me take a moment to mention that I am not always so rude. In general I love people. But, being a professional people watching hobbyist has its benefits. I can read people pretty darn well.

He spoke to me. I chose to pretend that I couldn’t hear him because of my headphones. There is no way he could know that I keep the volume at a manageable level so I can hear what my children are doing. He spoke to me again. I ignored him again. At that point, the jackass leans forward into my line of site, practically knocking my book out of the way, and proceeds to ask me my name. I shot him a definitive "go to hell look" before getting up to check on my laundry. I returned to find him talking to my oldest child. One look from me ended that conversation abruptly. I dropped back into my chair and picked up my book. My iPod headphones had never left my head.

He proceeds to speak to me again. "What is your name?" he wants to know. I hear Big K, my 12 year-old, giggle. He’s a smart and intuitive boy. He knows what is going on. Hoping it will shut him up; I mutter "Beth" and resume reading my book. Of course, at this point, I've read the same sentence about ten times. I don’t ask him his name and I don’t attempt to draw him into conversation. "Beth’s a hot name" is the next thing I hear. At this point, I actually wonder if I’m hearing voices. He couldn’t possibly be that stupid, could he? What kind of pick up line is that anyway? Lame. So lame.

Then … more giggles from Big K in the corner. Yep, I’d heard him correctly. This time I shoot him the, "you really are that asinine go to hell" look and proceed to move my clothes from washer to dryer. He follows and begins asking questions regarding the laundromat like, "Which dryers work best?" and "Is this the best laundromat in town?" I’m a patient individual when it comes to the complete stupidity of other individuals, but at this point I’m just pissed. Maybe, just maybe, if "Beth's a hot name" hadn't crossed his lips I might have found need to be cooly polite. I didn't.

"I don’t know," I respond. "I don’t know which dryers work best. I don’t know if this is the best laundromat in town. I do know that I’m simply trying to finish my laundry. I do know that I’ve ignored every advance you have made in trying to gain my attention. I do know that if you speak to me again I will be forced to give you a verbal lashing far surpassing this little reprimand or any other you have ever received in your life. Don’t speak to me again. Don’t speak to my children again. If you do I will have the cops on your ass before your laundry makes it through the rinse cycle." While angry, this is the best I can do with children nearby. Ever the parent, the strongest profanity I let slip was "ass" and I figured my kids would get over it.

Silence …. followed by a giggle from Big K in the corner. I shoot him a warning look and return my attention to said middle-aged idiot who has taken a step backward for each punctuation mark of my tirade. No response. I rendered him speechless. Yes! He blinks at me a few times while I stare him down before finally wandering over to another area of the laundromat. I return to my book, smiling at Big K, and finish my time at the laundromat without further interruption.

“Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto.” ~Dolores Claiborne, Film (1995)

I do notice as we are loading baskets in the van to leave that Mr. "I'm going to find myself a woman today" is chatting up some twenty-something woman in the corner. She's already beginning to take steps backwards. It seems that I was not the only one wary of the weird middle-aged man that day. What a seductor he must think he is.

I have been ill ...

… for several days this week. I had some sort of plague and I am now a few pounds lighter although I do not recommend this method of weight loss. Personally, I blame stress. STRESS!!

“Falling ill is not something that happens to us, it is a choice we make as a result of things happening to us.” ~Sir Jonathan Miller

Despite getting up and actually making it to work this morning, I am still not feeling fully functional. So, I am going to be a wee bit lazy and bring you a list of some recent Google searches that have led the seekers to this site (poor bastards) … and my subsequent reactions.

“life is nothing more than”
Hmmm? Really. More than …what?

“forget to live in punjabi”

“why do we judge”
Sadly, because we are human.

“johnny castle naked”
In my mind Johnny Castle is a character from Dirty Dancing. Oh no! To the rest of the world he is a porn star … apparently. Curious, I typed the above into Google myself and, well, you can guess what popped up. It was nothing close to my blog, I can tell you that. I don’t know how one person managed to land here that way.

“inability to be loved”
Now, I know that I can be rather melancholy at times but … really? Inability? That is just plain sad.

“celebrities on boredom”
Are they bored? Probably at times.

“what a dump”
Thanks. I appreciate that.

“moose mosaic”
Mosaics … yes. Every Monday. Moose? No. Not at all.

“quote said by an actor in a famous movie”
You know that one guy that was in that one movie and said that one thing? No? Me either.

Have a great weekend all!


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