Picking Me Apart



Reflecting. It happens at the end of a year despite my best attempts to block such thoughts. And so … I have been staring at the reflection that 2008 left on my life. Nothing new, really. I habitually peer into my past. Good habit? No. I can admit that. It is an unhealthy addiction. Outwardly most would never know. Inwardly I tend to obsess.

“Memories consume, like opening the wound . . . I’m picking me apart again . . .” ~Linkin Park, Breaking the Habit

Despite the title of the song from which I stole the above lyric … I do not foresee me “breaking the habit” of reminiscence in the near (or even distant) future. It is part of who I am. For the most part I have managed to find a balance in my life … hanging onto those things from my past that truly make me who I am today and letting go of those events which, in all honesty, need to be released. I do not hang onto anger, disappointment or such emotions. That would be asinine.

I have spent the better part of this week immersed in pensiveness. Recent events have allowed me that luxury. I moved over the weekend. Nothing big. I merely went from one apartment to a larger apartment. Same town. Same apartment complex for that matter. During the day I go to work. During the evening I crank up the iTunes and unpack boxes … move furniture … clean … and generally attempt to get my new place in some sort of order. My boys have been with their father this week so I have been ALONE with my organization and my ever unquiet mind focused quite intensely on the past year.

It wasn’t such a hot year. There were some good moments; however, there were also some effing horrible times. I spent the majority of the late spring months and all of the summer months on a medicinally induced roller coaster of emotions in an attempt to get my bipolar disorder under control. I had been on a particular medication for a while and it “wore off” this year. Of course, it took a bit of mania hell to hit before I was fully aware that things were not as they should be. I am always the last to know. I also spent the same months … awake. Very awake. I slept little for over five months. Insomnia is a bitch and it takes its toll. I think I am still recovering. These were the things that dominated the bulk of my year. The rest of the year was spent trapped in the mundane day-in day-out drudgery of what has become my world. So, in short (now that I’ve rambled on endlessly) … I am ready to flush 2008 down the crapper.

It is a new year and, while I will not be making any resolutions, I am ready to truly make this a NEW year! Bring it! Let’s go. It’s likely to be a wild ride. At least, I hope so. You want to come along?

7 comments:

  1. OMG I didn't know you were Bipolar! That is total ASS! What a difficult thing to live with. I hope you find the solutions you need to get it under control. A better 2009 to you.

    And ps... I TOTALLY feel you on the silly resolutions. I usually do things like, "Get better at remembering people's names" or "buff my nails to a high shine at least once this year".

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  2. Melain ~ Thanks! I'm good right now ... sort of. There is a wee bit of insomnia creeping back into my life but emotionally I am pretty darn stable! Woo hoo! I know my kids are grateful!

    And ... now I'm staring at my nails thinking they need a good buffing. Hmmmm.

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  3. i wish you all the best in this 2009!

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  4. This year will be better for the both of us ;)

    Waving at you from New York,
    Frances

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  5. c.s. & Frances ... Thank you! (((Hugs))

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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