Picking Me Apart
Reflecting. It happens at the end of a year despite my best attempts to block such thoughts. And so … I have been staring at the reflection that 2008 left on my life. Nothing new, really. I habitually peer into my past. Good habit? No. I can admit that. It is an unhealthy addiction. Outwardly most would never know. Inwardly I tend to obsess.
“Memories consume, like opening the wound . . . I’m picking me apart again . . .” ~Linkin Park, Breaking the Habit
Despite the title of the song from which I stole the above lyric … I do not foresee me “breaking the habit” of reminiscence in the near (or even distant) future. It is part of who I am. For the most part I have managed to find a balance in my life … hanging onto those things from my past that truly make me who I am today and letting go of those events which, in all honesty, need to be released. I do not hang onto anger, disappointment or such emotions. That would be asinine.
I have spent the better part of this week immersed in pensiveness. Recent events have allowed me that luxury. I moved over the weekend. Nothing big. I merely went from one apartment to a larger apartment. Same town. Same apartment complex for that matter. During the day I go to work. During the evening I crank up the iTunes and unpack boxes … move furniture … clean … and generally attempt to get my new place in some sort of order. My boys have been with their father this week so I have been ALONE with my organization and my ever unquiet mind focused quite intensely on the past year.
It wasn’t such a hot year. There were some good moments; however, there were also some effing horrible times. I spent the majority of the late spring months and all of the summer months on a medicinally induced roller coaster of emotions in an attempt to get my bipolar disorder under control. I had been on a particular medication for a while and it “wore off” this year. Of course, it took a bit of mania hell to hit before I was fully aware that things were not as they should be. I am always the last to know. I also spent the same months … awake. Very awake. I slept little for over five months. Insomnia is a bitch and it takes its toll. I think I am still recovering. These were the things that dominated the bulk of my year. The rest of the year was spent trapped in the mundane day-in day-out drudgery of what has become my world. So, in short (now that I’ve rambled on endlessly) … I am ready to flush 2008 down the crapper.
It is a new year and, while I will not be making any resolutions, I am ready to truly make this a NEW year! Bring it! Let’s go. It’s likely to be a wild ride. At least, I hope so. You want to come along?