I have had an epiphany. Shocking, I know. But here it is: New Year resolutions are silly. Hence, I will only make silly resolutions. Make sense? I think so.
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” ~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter Series
I hereby resolve to be infinitely more random … if that is conceivable.
Yep, I think that about covers it. What were you expecting … an entire list? Pfffft. Not from me. Well, okay, so I do publish a lot of lists. This, I confess. Not this time though.
What? What was that? You WANT a list? I don’t know. Stop. Quit it. Begging does not become you. It’s working though … a little. No, a lot. Fine! I concede. You want a list? You get a list!
Drum roll, please!!!!!
In 2009 …
I will not eat yellow snow. Unoriginal and gross, but true.
I will be sassy … sassier … the sassiest. Bold … brazen … and brassy, baby!
I will gladly agree to go with the aliens in order to spare the rest of humanity. You all know they really want me anyway.
I will campaign diligently to have peanut butter declared the perfect food. Forget the jelly. We don’t need no stinkin’ jelly.
I will consume an obscene abundance of beef. This is, after all, the year of the ox.
I will not base jump out of my office window considering the ground is a mere three feet below.
I will invest in a cape and some tights. Perhaps the costume will convince my children that mom is, indeed, a superhero.
I will not strap raw meat to my naked body and run streaking through the K9 training unit.
I will pretend to work hard and they … them … those people … will continue to pretend to pay me.
I will continue to be nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
I will continue to drive the bus and maintain a speed above 50 miles per hour in order to prevent a really big boom.
I will not stick a gold star on my forehead every time I succeed in a task ... tempting though that may be.
I will smash, squish, slap and kill, kill … KILL every mosquito that dares come within reaching distance of my body.
I will try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
I will stop watching movies on TV that I already own on DVD.
I will have my cake and eat it too … the baked kind not the metaphorical kind.
I will stop now.
May you all have a bloody brilliant year!
“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Brooks Atkinson