Sameness


[Alert: Pity Party in Progress]

My Facebook status currently reads: “Beth is completely delusional in her obviously misguided hope that maybe … MAYBE … something … ANYTHING … will happen to break up the monotony of her life.”

When I begin to feel trapped by circumstance and stuck in the quagmire, my subconscious feels it necessary to begin living vicariously through my dreams. Of course, the prerequisite for this occurrence is actually managing to sleep. Rare, still, for me. But, I have been sleeping a bit and, when I do slumber, I have been dreaming … a lot. Of what do I dream? Well, during the aforementioned “my life is unbearably boring” periods of my existence (which is quite often), I have visions of skydiving and bungee jumping and mountain climbing and abundant traveling … suitcases always packed … consistently on the go … far, far away from a schedule and a desk.

My life, day after day after day after day, is painfully monotonous.

Photo credit: Flickr, Evan Birch

Sleep. Maybe … always hit or miss. Morning. I hate morning. Get up. Kids up. Shower. Dress. Blah, blah, blah … morning things. Breakfast for the little people. Driving … school … work. Oatmeal. Coffee. More coffee. More coffee. Yawn. Check email. Facebook. Blog. Work. Wake up (finally). Work. Work. Yawn. Lunch at desk. Work. Work. Email. Facebook. Write. Work. Yawn. Work. Driving … home. Clean. Homework. Dinner. Clean. TV. Email. Showers for little people. Write. Read. Bed. Sleep. Maybe.

Weekends are not much better as they are consumed by more of the same.

If it was not for the existence of my children … life would be pretty much colorless. I smile … for them. I laugh … for them. The utter randomness of their conversation and our whacked out board game marathons keep me sane along with an occasional trip (30-60 miles away, depending) to the movie theater with the kids or with a work acquaintance when my guys are with the ex.

Oh, and those weeks the crazy dudes are with the ex … excruciatingly humdrum.

I know what you are thinking. Go out. Have fun when they aren’t there. Good thought, that. Don’t you think I’ve thought the same? Alas! I reside in town of not so many people where Wal-Mart or Waffle House is the place to hang out and cow-tipping is considered an actual sport. And, did I mention this is a
dry county? I’m not an alcoholic or anything, but this means there are no social hang out type places here. I could drive to Hot Springs or Little Rock. Three words. Single. Working. Mother. There are no funds for self-indulgence.

And, so, I exist. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting to get a different result. I guess that makes me borderline insane. Yes, I go through the routine day in and day out. I do not, however, expect new and exciting results out of this existence. Maybe, just maybe, something grand will happen to pull me out of the rut … if even for a moment. Until then, my goal is to get more sleep and indulge in as many extreme dreams as possible.

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book (Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.” ~Anais Nin


[It's safe. I'm done now.]

6 comments:

  1. Well, to hell with Anais Nin, for a start. (If you ask me, your blog is so much better without the quotes.)

    "I know what you are thinking. Go out. ..." Ah, but you don't know what I am thinking. And the beauty of blogging is that I am about to tell you!

    And I don't see it as a pity party at all, or if it is I'm a party-pooper.

    To me, with a bit of tweaking, your post could be the start of a novel (or indeed a movie), for it sets up hints that something radical and completely unexpected is about to hit the life of our intrepid heroine.

    No, you don't know what I'm thinking. I am not suggesting you write a novel either. Novel-writing would be an alternative to living.

    What, actually, am I thinking? Hm, I am not sure! Bless you Beth.

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  2. Your blog post begs a reply, and I have left it open while I looked through all me emails and regular stuff. And now, finally, I can't get away from it any more, so I will have to just wing it. I was waiting for inspiration to say something life changing, but hey, if I could always call up life changing tidbits of wisdom at will and sort out everyone, I'd be rich. Which I am most certainly not, especially now.

    I agree, we do start at some point to rumble and bumble through life somewhat alone. And it's easy to start getting stuck in the monotony of the whole thing.

    I don't think that one can give advice very easily, because my life is so different to yours. But I could offer a glimmer of inspiration, or perhaps just fuel for the dreams?

    Here is my approach (sorry to be so narcissistic in my reply) is to focus on goals. I have always been very goal oriented. It started at school when I was into fitness in a serious way. And then just sort of flooded over into the rest of my life. At the end of school, on our last couple days there, I told everyone that I would start a safari company. Someone actually wrote about it in my year book. And I have been sort of hell bent on achieving that goal ever since. And then year by year, sometimes even month by month, I set goals and pursue goals. I only achieve 50% of what I set out to, but it's the existence of the goal, more than the pursuing or the achieving, that's important. It's a target.

    When all goes well, sometimes the goals are temporary cast aside. They are still given mental lips service, but they are cold. But when things don't go so well - and trust me, trying to start a business when the economy is not good has been a challenge, the goals keep me focused and give me a purpose - and give me a target other than the next day, the next meal, or death.

    I guess that kids are an automatic goal, if you want to look at it that way. (Quick break to measure them, Mark 143cm and Josh 115cm - don't do inches any more.)

    I did bungie off the Vic Falls bridge, then the highest in the world. It was freaky. I was on a high all day. I did two static line jumps with sky-diving, and that's a little more sensible. When they say feet out, you do think that you are about to die, but you get over it, and actually enjoy some of the jump. Mountain climbing, well I have spent a great deal of my time walking in the hills and doing boldering type of climbs (alone and untrained - not a good idea, but I am getting more careful now)

    My quote - it's in the folder with my goals and inspirational stuff:

    "Make your life extraordinary"

    I read that all the time, and it helps me focus on leading a life that's a little different, to try things and when it all seems rather boring, to find the extraordinary where it sits among the mundane.

    Don't know if blogger is going to let me have this long comment??? We shall soon see...

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  3. Vincent ~ Thank you. Just, thank you.

    Vernon ~ For someone who was so quiet (or so it seemed) in high school, you did have a lot to say. Guess what? I valued every word & needed to hear much of what you said. Thank you for sharing. Cheers!

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  4. Yeah, I was, and still am, shy. But I have been guiding for 11 years now, and I think I have changed a lot.

    And it's a pleasure. All the best!

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  5. I hear ya Beth and I wish I had the magic formula but alas I do not. I'm the type of person that feels that high level activity is overrated but having said that, I've been feeling the same way as you lately. I think the crappy weather might have something to do with it. It's funny, I thought about telling you to write a novel as well - it could be something done even at work if there is a lag in excitement. Maybe study something new....

    It's just so much easier to pop in a DVD or read a few pages until the next day right? Geez, maybe I need help too!

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  6. I forgot to say, I like the new background...

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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