(My stream of consciousness is twisted. What can I say?)
[Insert self imposed research paragraph here explaining “Facebook” and “status updates” if, indeed, you
Writing a good Facebook status update is an artform. Art, I tell you. Art. Fine Art? No. Not by any means. But, not of the Gar“funk”el variety either. Simply put: One should put some thought into one’s status update. A very little thought will do. Yes, I am one of those people. Them. The status stalkers. I read status updates. I comment on status updates. I luuuurrrvvvve status updates.
[Typing that tidbit has now made me wonder why I have yet to venture into the world of Twitter. Again, look it up if you believe the sole definition of that word involves the noise that comes from the beak of a bird.]
Anyone can, beside there name, type the ordinary … the obvious … the mundane. Take Jim, Bob and Jill*, for example:
“Jim is tired.”
“Bob is home.”
“Jill is bored.” **
Wow! I’m so unhinged and captivated by such amazing shows of creativity.
*All names have been changed to protect the boring from self deprecating behavior. You all know who you are.
**If, Facebook users, you have not discovered that you can backspace within the status update field, effectively removing the “is” entirely, then your Facebook rights should be revoked.
Please note: It is quite possible to write a blatantly simple status update that will still grab the attention of the wandering passerby. Example: “Jill is seeking.” Aaaah! See that! Open-ended. Sometimes simplicity can be astoundingly complex.
Moving on ...
I confess. I am guilty of an occasional I’m-far-too-tired-to-be-witty status update.
“Beth should be turning in.” (Feb. 6, 10:48pm) Blech. Boring.
I further confess that I have even cheated when feeling particularly uninspired. What? Even those of us with the craziest brains need a bit of inspiration from time to time. Hell, I am quite happy kyping(1) song lyrics and movie quotes and book passages for my status update as well. Imagine that!
“Beth’s inner critic has piss poor grammar. It’s the only way I can take away some of her power over me.” (Feb. 4, 10:53pm) Modified from a passage in Such A Pretty Fat by the brilliant Jen Lancaster.
-verb (1980-something; RVAism
1. to take without permission
2. to appropriate without right or acknowledgement
3. to STEAL (duh)
But, on the whole, my status updates are composed by me and only me and usually for the benefit of … you got it … ME!
“Beth wants out of the office .... 3-2-1 ... NOW!!! Dang. It didn't work. Anyone have any police tape to cordon off my desk area for the safety of others???” (Jan. 30, 12:39pm)
See? Informative and far more interesting than, “Beth wants to go home.”
Lately, though, I have found new inspiration in the composition of my status updates. It began with Duran Duran (Doesn’t everything?). I was home. I was
“Beth is watching Duran Duran's All-Time Top 10 Videos on VH1. Have discovered still love Simon Le Bon.” (Feb. 8, 5:45pm)
I discovered something! Granted, I didn’t discover a cure for the
“Beth is watching The Terminator. Have discovered still love Michael Biehn. Perhaps is reason named 2nd child Kyle.” (Feb. 9, 1:00pm)
“Beth is watching VH1 Classic. Have rediscovered never gone infatuation with all things 80s hair band monster ballads.” (Feb. 9, 6:38pm)
“Beth is watching 24. Have discovered urge to see Lost Boys. Keifer Sutherland as hot vampire bad boy. Good stuff.” (Feb. 9, 9:35pm)
[In case you didn’t catch it. I watch a lot of TV when I’m ill.]
“Beth is up. Have discovered Tylenol Severe Multi-Symptom Cold NIGHTTIME does nothing for my many cold symptoms or my insomnia. Devil virus. Bloody lack of sleep.” (Feb. 9, 11:56pm)
“Beth will now give sleeping another try. Have discovered Tetris & Bejeweled are tiring on the eyes ... not so much the over-analytical brain.” (Feb. 10, 1:01am)
“Beth is in a foul disposition. Have discovered growling at coworkers not good for office relations. Reason #576 I don't work at United Nations.” (Feb. 10, 8:22am)
“Beth’s still gunky. Have discovered devil virus has assimilated me into the mucus collective. Resistance is futile.” (Feb. 10, 11:56am)
“Beth is loopy & needs to go home. Have discovered, after multiple attempts, that desk calculator does not double as a telephone.” (Feb. 10, 3:19pm)
“Beth is off to buy cheesy Valentines for kids to give friends. Have discovered can't 100% elude wretched day of sappiness despite most valiant effort.” (Feb. 10, 4:30pm)
“Beth is turning off the computer. Have discovered there is no hope of sleep tonight due to continuing irrational fear of all things thunderstormish.” (Feb. 10, 11:21pm)
“Beth is watching LOST reruns in the middle of the night. Have discovered Sawyer is my constant. I'm just sayin' ...” (Feb. 11, 12:46am)
And, my current status:
“Beth needs a Mountain Dew & Power Shot & Red Bull & Coffee IV. Have discovered not enough energy on planet to help me today. Oh ... and Sawyer is still my constant.” (Feb. 11, 10:02am)
Consider yourself Twittered.
WAIT … Twitter me this and Twitter me that … A DISCOVERY! I’m a Twitterer. I Twitter! I don’t even use Twitter and, yet, I’ve been compulsively Twittering for months and months. Allow me to excuse myself to visit said website for the first time. It's Twitter Time.
Expect updates soon.