A Few Loose Screws




Job. A new one would be great. In times such as these I should be grateful that I am employed. This is not the right moment to go job hunting, is it? I wish working was a choice and not a necessity. It just seems to get in the way.

Scattered thoughts are beginning to be the normal. They are consuming me. There is no cohesion. How can I make sense of anything in this condition? Broken. Shattered. Days … weeks … seasons … gone. Years? “And Summers and Winters scattered like splinters… and four or five years slipped away.” ~Jimmy Buffet

Am I doing enough?

Lost: Motivation; Found: Not a damn thing.

The Poet Hiding Within hasn’t been updated in one year (Last post: 04/02/2008). I haven’t written a poem in that year. Not one.

Is finishing university my way out of this hell hole? If it is … how the heck do I manage that feat while maintaining a full time job (ugh) and continuing to raise two boys?

I have been let down. It feels as though I was dropped on my skull. Oh, I’m sorry … is that my brain matter on your shoes?

Stop the planet. I want to get off.

Strength. People (known and new to me) are always commenting on how strong I am. I don’t want to be strong anymore. Can’t someone just carry me for a little while?

The size of my ass is no longer acceptable. Not that it was EVER acceptable …

Is it too much to ask for some sort of hint (a very tiny one will do) on why I am where I am and what I am expected to do while I am here?

My passport expired. Think about that. It hasn’t been used in 10 years. TEN YEARS. Even sadder is the fact that I didn’t renew it because I know there is no hope ($$$) of me going anywhere anytime soon. Wanderlust strangled. No wonder I am dying on the inside.

I’m actually irritated by ignored friend requests on Facebook from people I knew really, really well. Why do I care? Why the hell do I care???

There is not enough time to write. I only posted four blog entries in the month of March 2009. Thirty-one days and I only managed to squeak out four posts. My exact thoughts on this subject can not be expressed without a rather long and colorful string of profanity.

It would be nice if I could figure out how to sleep like a normal person.

You know those people who feel like they are alone even when they are in a crowd of people? I used to pity those people. I used to wonder what was wrong with those people. I’ve suddenly realized, bizarrely enough, that I have become one of those people. I pity me. I wonder what is wrong with me. How did this happen?

I’m listening. Intently. Static is all I am getting.

“Is there anything else on your mind that I should know about? There are all sorts of twists and cul-de-sacs. It’s wild!” ~Firefly, TV Series (2002)

12 comments:

  1. I've been meaning for a while, now, to check out your poetry site. That will be my weekend get away. :)

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  2. I'm so sorry it took me forever to find you, but I'm so glad I did. Genuine honesty is as refreshing as a long drink of water.

    My sister and her family are traveling to Tanzania this summer. While I am not really envious--because I have NO desire to take that trip right now with two little ones--I am deeply and profoundly homesick. My passport was renewed shortly following my last trip. It is full of pristine and empty pages. The first passport I've ever had that remained blank.

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  3. I'm where you are, Beth. Wanderlustful, stuck in a gluey routine, expanding ass and whatnot.

    It'll get better. It's GOT to.
    Ciao poetessa

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  4. You and I are in the same head space. Bored and restless and proabably in need of a medication adjustment. Or is that just me?

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  5. First of all: ((Hugs)) to you all!!

    musing ~ It won't take you long. :o) There isn't a lot there.

    Dori ~ I, too, am glad we finally stumbled onto one another here in the blogosphere. I am jealous of your sis. I would give anything ...

    Lola ~ Yes, but would I be less melancholy if my gluey routine were stuck in Italy?? The grass is always greener, etc. Hmmmm ... I do hope it does get better.

    Finn ~ I am restless. I don't know if I need my meds adjusted or if I need a cranium replacement.

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  6. I wish I could say I didn't understand this post but I really do. The word I would use is 'frozen' - it feels like nothing is moving forward. And my poetry website, same thing (Oct. '08). I know I should try to cheer up but frankly I don't have the energy. And apparently I'm really bad at pep talks eh? Sorry.

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  7. Lisa ~ Ahh! My word is 'paralyzed' - so it is much the same. I'd try my own hand at a pep talk for you, but I am grossly underqualified for that at this moment in time.

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  8. Everyone can relate to where you are right now because we've ALL been there. That's good news, because it means there's a way out, and that way tends to find you all on its own.

    You can hurry it along by either throwing yourself into something you feel passionately about, or into serving someone else who's struggling.

    Another bring side? These kinds of dark moments usually make for some AMAZING poetry. :)

    ps... Thanks for the link. You're an angel. Nay, a GODDESS.

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  9. This is an insanely cool post - I know it probably didn't feel that way to write. But you seem to be speaking for a whole host of people. I know I can relate. Having kids and a job and all the swirling busyness that these things entail, requires great sacrifice. Horrible, difficult, time-sucking sacrifice. And somehow even in the midst of it, you manage to share with quotable wit and passion. Thanks.

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  10. Melain ~ Thank you, luv.

    Alexander ~ You are right. It didn't feel cool ... at first. Now? Well, it has grown on me. Danke schein.

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  11. I was going to quote you a Bible verse about God having a plan but I know that will make you mad :) Yep, I am reading the Purpose Driven Life and i still don't really know what my purpose is. Sooo, what else can I say to make you feel better? Probably nada. But you know I am impressed with you, that should do something (right). Maybe if you can just do one small thing to change something you can control. Don't know what that would be. For instance, could you enroll in one class to finish your degree? like the least taxing one you have left?

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  12. Hollytree!!! How well you know me! The funk is subsiding a bit. Brainstorming is in process. I ♥♥love♥♥ and appreciate you.

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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