I Don't Want To Go On The Cart!

Oh, HELL NO!! 10 Fictional Places You Can’t Pay Me To Visit.

You had to know it was coming. Honestly. Is there a surprise here? I think not.

10. The Fire Swamp (The Princess Bride by William Goldman)
Seeing as I know all the secrets, I could probably survive The Fire Swamp. This fact does not bring forth any sudden urges to actually wander into the place. Maybe, someday, I’ll have a craving for a super massive roasted rodent supper. Until then, I will let Westley & Buttercup face the dangers of said location **or** I could just
watch this and wait for laughter to commence.

9. Hoth (The Empire Strikes Back, Film 1980)
This is a planet that is covered in snow and ice. My equatorial blood can barely tolerate the mild winters of Southern Arkansas. I don’t do cold. Damn! I’m beginning to shiver just thinking about this place. Snow & Ice!! ALL. THE. TIME. That, my friends, is my version of hell.

8. The Lost World/Jurassic Park (Pick a source, any source.)
Dinosaurs are predators. They hunt. I am fat & juicy. I don’t want to even entertain the concept of visiting some strange prehistoric land or, God forbid, scientifically bringing back the dinosaurs in our time. They are extinct for a reason. Can we just leave it that way? If you want to see one … go to a museum.

7. Zion (The Matrix Revolutions, Film 2003)
This place is four kilometers underground. I think I have issues with going that deep under the surface of this planet (see #3). I understand that it was built to preserve the human race but, oddly enough, that does not redeem this gloomy place in my mind (or, for that matter, this movie).

6. Vogsphere (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
How do you feel about being slapped in the face? How do you feel about being slapped in the face by a shovel-like parasitic creature that preys on original thought? Feel free to visit Vogsphere if you would like. Just make sure not to think. Need a
visual? (Watch and you will understand. The fun starts around 1:15 into the clip.) Please tell me you are laughing.

5. The Bog of Eternal Stench (Labyrinth, Film 1986)
I have, with no exaggeration, an extremely sensitive sense of smell. I swear I can smell The Bog of Eternal Stench through my television and it makes the bile rise in the back of my throat. Bog (ewwww). Stench (double-ewwww). FOREVER. Nope, I’ll pass.

4. Arkham Asylum (DC Comics Universe)

Now, I will be the first to admit that some of my behavior may, at times, warrant a trip to the loony bin … but a criminal I am not. I have no desire to hang out with the rabble that keep landing themselves in this psycho place only to escape and then come back and then escape and then come back. Well, I think you get the point. Should I find it ironic that the asylum was named for Elizabeth (I’m an Elizabeth) Arkham or that it first appeared in 1974 (I was born in 1974)? (This is where I extend my eternal gratitude to Wikipedia.)

3. The Mines of Moria (Tolkien’s Middle Earth)
Do I actually need to provide reasons on why Moria is not a happy place? It’s dark. It’s creepy. There are orcs and they have a cave troll. “We can not get out. The end comes. Drums, drums in the deep. They are coming." If that is not enough to dissuade you, please remember that here lives the Balrog. A Balrog!!! If you want to travel into the depths of the world and try to adopt the great fiery demon beast of doom as your very own pet then be my guest. I will stay topside, thank you.

2. Libria (Equilibrium, Film 2002)
Have you SEEN this movie? Basic human emotions have been deemed not so good and are blamed for a Third World War. Therefore, anything that elicits emotion has been banned. Literature. Music. Art. All of it is illegal. *Shudder*

1. OZ (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum)
I see no need to justify this decision. Don’t judge me.

Well, there you are. What say you?

Me? “I don’t want to go on the cart!” ~Monty Python & the Holy Grail, Film (1975)


  1. I got to go look for the Equilibrium film. 'Libria'. How ironic. That place would kill any ISFP/ESFP/ISTP/ESTP due to our almost hedonistic desires.

    I wouldn't want to be stuck in Zion, Mordor or that meadow with ponds in between dimensions in Narnia. Something about the utter stillness of the latter unsettles me.

  2. Mo ~ Actually, I really like Equilibrium. Christian Bale & Sean Bean star ... which is always a good thing in my book. There is rebellion. How could there not be? Good stuff.

  3. Equilibrium was great, yup, I enjoyed it! As for the Top Ten Fictional Places you wouldn't go - great idea. I love the Mines of Moria - though, actually, I would exlore the mines provided this was either pre-Orc or post-Orc, while the dwarves were in residence. For some reason The Swamps of Sadness from The Neverending Story came to mind as well. Random. Also, from Joss Wedon's Serenity movie, a Reavers ship would make my list - nice riff Beth!

  4. Good call on The Swamps of Sadness. I had an honorable mention list. It was mainly cartoonish in nature: Bikini Bottom & Smurf Village were both on there. I know. Warped.


"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman


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