Madame Preside… Pfffft! Yeah, Right!


At 0347 today (Yes, I was born in the middle of the night. Hello? Vampire.) I will officially be old enough to run for the office of The President of the United States of America. Don’t worry. I won’t. Although, perhaps if I had pursued such aspirations earlier in life then I wouldn’t find myself in such a funk (and Redneck Hell, USA) today. Oh. Wait. A president did come from here, didn’t he? Never mind. Irrelevant. I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah … funk.

It is true. I am in a funk. It’s not about my age. Birthdays come and go. I can’t stop time. The clock cannot be reversed. Age is relative. I might as well just go with the flow, right? Well… I lie. A little. My funk is indirectly related to my age for this simple fact:

I had a list of things to do before I turned 35.

Not a tangible list, mind you. Never written down. Never voiced. Forever fluid and highly malleable, the list has resided in the recesses of my highly unstable bipolar mind. But, it existed. And, here I am. I have reached the age of thirty-five and I’ve failed miserably at most of the items on that list. Not all, but most. I try to remind myself that there are some rather substantial extenuating circumstances that contributed greatly to that failure but as valid and unchangeable as those factors are… they still feel like excuses. I hate excuses. Hell, I hate failure… hence, the funk.

[To my hardcore Christian God-has-a-plan-for-you friends: You might want to stop reading now. If you choose to continue, well… you know not to preach to me, right? Remember, I know all the “right” answers.]

This life that I am living… this isn’t how it was supposed to play out. I am supposed to have it all figured out by now. My existence, and subsequently that of my children, should be more stable and defined. I don’t think God wants me to live like this (No, I will not elaborate.). And, if He does… if this is God’s grand plan for my life? Well, then God and I have bigger problems than I thought. Yes, I still believe in God.

A quote I have been hoarding for two years, just for this particular birthday:

“When you’re five, you know your age down to the month. Even in your twenties you know how old you are. I’m twenty-three, you say, or maybe twenty-seven. But then in your thirties something strange starts to happen. It’s a mere hiccup at first, an instant of hesitation. How old are you? Oh, I’m – you start confidently, but then you stop. You were going to say thirty-three, but you’re not. You’re thirty-five. And then you’re bothered, because you wonder if this is the beginning of the end. It is, of course, but it is decades before you admit it.” ~Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

The beginning of the end? I sure as hell hope not. Watch out, because I will bust out of here and…

I. AM. JUST. GETTING. STARTED.

6 comments:

  1. 35. That was a hard one for me--all of the 5's were. Maybe because that decade was half over? Dunno. But 37? It was a fantastic day. The list undone at 35? It no longer mattered. Yes, my 35th was spent in a "where the hell did my life go" funk as well--as was my 25th.

    On the other bit...I very strongly believe that MOST things happen for a reason. Most. Not all. I believe in the random. Otherwise we'd just be puppets, wouldn't we?

    Come on over and I'll buy you a birthday beverage.

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  2. Beth,
    First of all, happy birthday.
    Second of all, when I was 35, I felt exactly the way you did. And I started making changes. It's like someone gave me an IV of jet fuel; I just felt propelled to go out and get stuff done. Some of what I got done was a little trivial, like the tattoo. Some of it was big like finishing college, then grad school in quick succession then moving to Asia. Maybe my drive has gone into overdrive but I'm happier than I was back then. OK, I'm done.

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  3. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MKenya.

    Cliche'd but has some truth to it; age is but a number. I like the note on which the post ended; wish you all the best carpe-ing the diem.

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  4. I swear, god must have the worst sense of humor if he plans all the stuff thats going on...

    But i find it easier to think that if such a entity exist, said entity is ignorant of some "bacteria" living on a spec of dust in some corner of a much grander experiment...

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  5. Interesting post. Like you, I always had some active set of objectives or goals, certainly never written down. Some were achieved, some were not, some things were inadvertently achieved that were never intended, and, in some cases, I perceived missed opportunities only long after they had passed by, and wondered what (if anything) I could do to prevent that from happening in the future (probably nothing).

    Now, at the ripe old age of 48 (very soon to turn 49), I actually have a so-called bucket list with 5 items on it. Will they actually get realized before I get too old? Don't know. They're only five. But they're big ticket items! And I find myself hell-bent on making them happen, in the remaining good years I have left.

    I wish, as a somewhat older person, I could offer you some sound advice, if that is what you're seeking. But I really can't. I don't think age really accumulates wisdom. The best anyone can do, I suppose, is to relate their own experiences as honestly as they can, and that the listener simply takes it for what it's worth! ~John

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  6. Perhaps it is time I answer comments, yes?

    Dori ~ 25 was easy. I was too depressed to remember most of my 20s ... or to worry about aging. This year, well the eldest started high school the same week. I think that contributed to the funk.

    Bybee ~ Where does one get an IV of jet fuel? This I could use. =)

    Mo ~ Thanks, luv. I'm stealing "carpe-ing the diem" by the way. LOVE IT.

    turnselfoff ~ Feel insignificant much? Speck of dust? OY!

    John ~ 1. Good to know you are ripe. 2. You do realize the feline in me is insatiably curious regarding the 5 items on this bucket list of yours. 3. You have a lot of good years left.

    Love you all! Have a beautiful week.

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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