Perplexing Ponderings

It’s no secret. My mind is not a quiet place. Sometimes I wish it would shut the hell up. Never. It never does. My ponderings, however, are not always deep and dark and melancholic and personal. Sometimes my thoughts are quite frivolous. Silly, actually. I am often easily confused by the most mundane trivialities this world has to offer. “Like what?” you ask. I’m so glad you inquired for I have a list. Yes, another one.

“Quiet minds can't be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Bread pudding
Why the hell would you subject perfectly good rum (or brandy) to such an abomination of an existence? Is stale bread that enticingly appetizing to you or do you merely subscribe to the belief that liquor makes everything better? Old loaves do serve a purpose and we have parks for that… with pigeons… or ducks. Feed the birds that penicillin in the making. Drink your rum.

Stuffed Animals In Car Windows
If you are old enough to drive or, more importantly, old enough to own your own vehicle then you are way too damn old to drive around with your fantasy Beanie Baby collection shoved into the back window of your car where they sit eerily staring at passerby with big blank eyes screaming, “Get me the f*ck out of here!”

Paris Hilton
Enough already. Stop. All of it. Go live in one of daddy’s hotels and never come out.

I haven’t applied even the most basic of algebraic equations since the last math class I took in college which, incidentally, was a required course. Before that I hadn’t used the stuff since Algebra I and Algebra II in high school. Remind me again why we mathematically challenged “I’m smart enough to know I’m not smart enough in math to choose a numerically based career” individuals were forced to learn this shit when we have calculators and Microsoft Excel gladly willing to do the hard part for us. If the soul purpose for such asininity was for me to have the feigned ability to help my teenager with his algebra homework then I think we can consider that an epic fail.

Sluts In Training
Why is your six-year-old dressed like a Pussycat Doll? Way to give her high aspirations, mom. Don’t come bitching to me in ten years when she comes home with her belly button pierced and wears as little clothing as humanly possible and asks you for breast implants and you’ve lost all control regarding where she goes and who she chooses to hang out with. Why do you have an air of surprise in your voice?

Southern Colloquialisms
Don’t tell me, “It’s a cultural thing.” I live in the South. There is no excuse for some of the phrases I hear on a daily basis. No wonder people wrongly assume that all southerners are stupid or redneck or trailer trash when a majority of the people down here include these silly grammar optional phrases (or others of similar origin) in their daily conversation. I will now provide you with a random sampling. I will not, however, translate. I’m going to assume that, if you are reading this, you know how to Google.

That’s slicker than owl shiiiiit.
Woo! I’m full as a tick.
That boy/girl done been beat with an ugly stick.
I’m a gonna jerk a knot in yer tail.
Now, don’t go gettin yer panties in a twist.
Who the Sam Hill is that?
I don’t know about all ya’ll.
Sure as shootin’ you did!
It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra!
I sure do have a hankering for some of that.
Yer plum outta kilter.

In truth, is it really too much to ask for a little bit of effort in effectively removing these idiocies from common vocabulary? At the very least you could fake it when you travel to a place where they actually speak English.

Genetic Evolution
I firmly believe our children are smarter than we were at whatever respective age they are now. (Read: Little K is far more intelligent than I was at age 9.) Who thought this would be a good idea?

When did they become the coolest (unintentional pun) creatures on the planet? Who authorized this? I’m quite sure the penguins themselves had no part in this decision. You know I’m right.

March of the Penguins, Documentary (2005)
Madagascar, Animated Film (2005)
Farce of the Penguins, Mockumentary (2006)
Happy Feet, Animated Film (2006)
Surf’s Up, Animated Film (2007)
3-2-1 Penguins, Animated Morality Cartoon & Films (2007)
Madagascar 2, Animated Film (2008)
Disneynature’s EARTH, Documentary (2009)
The Penguins of Madagascar, Cartoon (2009) [Freakishly funny, I might add!]
Happy Feet 2 in 3D, Animated Film (2011) [Oh, yes, it’s coming.]

Who knew Chilly Willy was years ahead of his time?

Yeah, I know. They confuse everyone. I just wanted you to feel somehow included in my madness.

Black cats are stunningly beautiful. I’ve walked underneath many a ladder. Mirrors are made of glass. They break. Friday the 13th is just another random day on the calendar though I usually call it a “lucky day” just to piss off the paranoid. I’ve trodden on many a crack in a sidewalk and my mom’s back is perfectly fine. Why the hell would I want to carry the foot of a dead bunny around with me? Obviously the “lucky horseshoe” was a brilliant moment of propaganda genius created by the blacksmiths of the world to increase revenue. I don’t knock on wood and throwing salt over your shoulder merely serves to create a larger mess to clean up. Any questions?

Blind Dates
Set me up? Not a shot in hell.

People Who Can Sleep Anywhere
I have a hard enough time sleeping at night in my bed for anything remotely close to eight hours. I’m always afraid I am missing something. If I could choose to never sleep, I probably would… except for that whole dream thing mentioned above. I don’t understand them, but the trippy dreams are so enjoyable. Oy! I digress. How can you sleep in an airport? You might miss something. How can you sleep in the car on major road trip? You might miss something. How can you sleep in class? I’m pretty sure you are missing something. WAKE UP, DAMN IT!

This is 2009. I can forgive you a typo here or a typo there. Hell, I do them myself; however, when I get an email or a memo or a copy of your college paper you want me to proofread before you turn it into your professor, I like to anticipate that you have run the spell check feature of your preferred email provider or word processing program before I’m expected to read whatever it is you have written. There is absolutely no excuse for compositions riddled with spelling errors.

Fear of Flying
You get in your car and drive down narrow roads in your little tin can with wheels. You are an amateur sharing space with millions of other amateurs. Pilots have been trained for years on how to fly. They are all professionals. Would you rather be at the mercy of a bunch of amateurs or in the hands of a professional? There are statistics, by the way. All over the internet you can find official studies that prove air travel is safer than traveling in a vehicle. This
site states that 1/6,800 drivers die in auto accidents each year while the annual death rate for airline passengers is 1/1.16 million. Get in the bloody airplane. Travel to someplace other than your home country. There is far too much ignorance in this world without you adding to it with your silly little phobia.

The Invisible Jet
Wonder Woman has an invisible jet. Cool. Wonder Woman does not turn invisible when she is in her invisible jet which means you can clearly see her flying through the air in a seated position. Oooooh! Stealthy. Not cool. No wonder they (the comic book writer people) finally gave the woman the ability to fly on her own. I bet they hoped we would forget. We have not, my fine fanboy friends.

Don’t ever let it be said that I’m not thinking.

“Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity.” ~Christopher Morley


  1. Bread pudding---it's just that you have the wrong recipe. try the English "bread-and-butter pudding". It's sublime and needs no brandy. So you can eat the pudding and drink the brandy on the side.

  2. Oy! I just did my boys bathroom and guess the theme..."surfing penguins" of course. I have fallen prey to the culture marketing insanity that I generally try to avoid. shame...

  3. Vincent ~ I will look up a recipe, thank you. Although... if older, almost stale bread is a requirement I will probably pass.

    mom2boyz ~ No you didn't! KIDDING! If they love it...


"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman


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