Frostbitten Golf Clap

My kids desperately wanted a snow day today. Too bad. With Old Man Winter in my crosshairs, I forbade him to drop any of the white stuff on our area. It worked. For now.

It’s no secret how much I abhor winter and the cold that comes with it. If I wanted to live on Hoth then I would move to Antarctica… or, you know, Canada. As it stands, I do reside, grudgingly, in the northern hemisphere although I do live in the southern half of the United States and I am quite content with the general lack of winter weather that blows into this area.

But, I’ve spent a lot of time bitchin’ complaining lately (about pretty much everything) and it is time for me to give it a rest. Winter does have some positive moments. Know that admitting such a thing brings the bile rising into the back of my throat, but it’s true. So, I shall stand and give an understated and wholly polite golf clap in praise of winter… though my fingers will likely suffer frostbite and rot off my body because of the effort.

Winter is mildly tolerable because…

During winter all the other Caucasians are just as vampire white as I am. Well, George Hamilton isn’t, but I don’t think he’s Caucasian. He’s just a really tall, well dressed Oompa Loompa.


The mosquitoes are gone. Bravo, winter. My body is like a smörgåsbord for the blood-sucking devil insects and my body’s fluid of life must be the finest of fine blood wines. Put me in a room with fifty people, release a thousand mosquitoes and I will leave that room with 1000 mosquito bites.

All the little teenage floozies have clothes on… real clothes that cover their bodies. Imagine that! This does not, however, stop me from attempting to convince my teenage son that they are all still just floozies in disguise. Mothers of the world: Be a parent and put some clothes on your daughters.

Soup. I can make soup, order soup, buy soup & eat soup every single day without having my sanity (or obvious obsession love of soup) questioned.

I like boots. Correction: I like the way my legs look in boots. I try to transition straight from flip-flops to boots and, while I may end up with some nippy toes from time to time, this plan usually works well for me. I never do put the flip-flops away though… in case there is a warmer day. I’d rather be barefoot most of the time but that is generally frowned upon. Stupid societal expectations.

People fall on ice. It is amusing. I know. I know. Sometimes they fall and break things… on their bodies… but I still laugh at people who fall on ice. Yes, I am a horrible person. Thanks for noticing.

Speaking of me being a horrible person…
Humans tend to be a little cranky and slightly depressed during the dark, cold months of winter. It’s natural. This affords me the opportunity to be a little cranky and slightly depressed without the world wondering if I’ve taken my crazy pills.

Look at that! My fingers are still there.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." ~Robert Byrne


7 comments:

  1. Oompa loompa dopity do...I've got another riddle for you...

    Thanks for that...I had the annoying song from Super Why stuck in the ole brain pod...

    Boots. Love them. Winter? Not so much. Grrr.

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  2. Hoth isn't such a bad place to live. I've already established a very profitable Tauntaun farm here. Would like a Tauntaun pony for your next birthday? They don't smell too nice, but they are handy to have around. I'll send you one... :-)

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  3. After growing up in the tropics, snow has always held a fascination for me...however, as the UK is currently in the grip of the coldest winter in 20/50/100 years (it's escalating by a few decades every day on the news channels), and having spent New Year knee deep in the white stuff in Norway...the novelty is finally starting to wear off!

    Roll on spring...;-)

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  4. Thanks for the only laugh I've experienced today ~ actually it was continual laughing at your post. Guessing Vampires would have a freakin' field day with you eh?! Being so close to Canada, every time we have sucky weather we say "damn Canada can't they keep that shit to themselves?" I think I'm going to be laughing at the George Hamilton mention for the rest of the day.....

    Thx-Lis

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  5. Dori ~ Glad I could help switch the brainPod channel. =) Grrrr. Winter. Grrrr.

    John ~ Are they edible?

    Nat ~ I've never had a fascination for snow. When I was 10 we spent a year away from Kenya... in West Virginia. Our first snow was 2 feet and I immediately asked if we could go back to Africa. No, I do not like it at all. =)

    Lis ~ I'm still laughing about the George Hamilton thing and I wrote it. =) Pitiful.

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  6. Hahahaha!

    Loving the snark.

    Winter begone, our Beth needs her some sun. It's 33 degrees C here and is 'Winter'. 'Summer' is 48 degrees C. Wanna trade?

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  7. Snark? MEEEEEEE? Yep, I'll trade. I'll take that heat any day.

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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