It Is What It Is


Usually I find myself ranting against Valentine’s Day and all the commercialism surrounding it. I have hated the day for as long as I can remember. Yes, even when I had a “significant other” on this most wretched day of sappiness. Today, however, I’m not griping like usual. Oh, I still think the holiday is ultimately asinine. It is illogical to dedicate only one day to the declaration of love.

“I hate Valentine’s Day. I think every day should be a day of romance. Then, on Valentine's Day, you should get to tell whoever you hate that you cannot stand them. There would be one day of hating, and 364 days of love." ~Ashton Kutcher, Actor

I am happy that there is romantic love in the world. No, it’s more than that. I am happy that there is deep, abiding, respectful, passionate, consuming and unselfish love. That’s not to say that I know what if feels like to experience love like that. I’m thirty-five years old. I have loved. I have crushed. I have lusted. I have
written about love. And, lest we forget… I have even married.

People wonder why I am cynical and jaded. In truth, I don’t trust my own heart. She’s a bit stupid. I’m not quite sure what to do with her and often pretend that she does not exist.

I have been divorced for three years. Almost immediately following my divorce I tried to escape my life by attaching myself emotionally to someone from my past. Thank goodness for distance. That could have been disastrous. There was another almost major mistake just over a year ago. That’s it. Two blips of the heart in three years. I wouldn’t even call them full beats. I don’t date. Not that there is anyone here to date. Not that I have the self-esteem to handle dating. I’m missing something substantial. Somewhere.

As far as relationships go: I have my children though I have to share them with their father. I have coworkers and they are just that: coworkers. I have a casual friend or two. But, still…

I have discovered a depth of loneliness that I knew not possible. I don’t even have anyone to tell. Therefore, I tell you… whoever you all may be. No need for pity or consolation or a slap. It is a simple truth to which I have become resigned. This is the way it is to be… for me… for now.

6 comments:

  1. I ***almost*** excerpted Lewis Carroll for Valentine's Day. I thought better of it, after drafting out a post for "Off with his head!" It didn't quite seem right, so I let it go - might work better on a Tshirt than a blog post.

    I want QuoteSnack's first Alice quote to be something vorpal from Jabberwocky.

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  2. When I was married my ex never liked Valentine's Day, which I think boiled down to a rebellious "don't tell me when to say I love you or give gifts". I'm a rebel too and I get it but it made it sort of a drag.

    Since my divorce I loathe the holiday myself. I try to figuratively hold my breath until the day is over. I believe things will change but in the meantime, I hear ya.

    Lis

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  3. No dates? Does that town have no men or are they all of a different persuasion? I've seen your pic and you're far from plain. Far.

    That said, you have a friend in me. Not consoling or pitying. It is a simple truth to which you have to become resigned.

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  4. Elizabeth ~ I *almost* wish you had quoted Carroll. That would have been right in my vein of thought. =) But, yes, Jabberwocky... most excellent.

    Lisa ~ Believe it or not... my ex would remember Valentine's Day. I still hated it. I may have hated it more because he remembered that day and would forget my birthday or our anniversary.

    Mo ~ First of all, let me say how much I adore that you use the word "plain" as opposed to "unattractive" or "ugly". Secondly, all the single men in this town are in university or are fully immersed into redneck/white trash culture. In regard to the first: Am I to find a boy toy? And the other? Well, I probably exude an air of superiority and, subsequently, am not approached.

    You are a friend and I quite like it that way. =)

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  5. I just wanted to say this was a very brave, soul-exposing blog and I love your willingness to embrace all of the pieces of yourself, not just the clever, lovely, dashing ones (of which there are many, I assure you.)

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  6. Amber ~ I have to say that I hadn't reread this post. Even when answering the above comments... I'd avoided rereading what was written. I have now. Thank you. I actually love this post and I'm glad I didn't delete it on impulse. ((Hugs))

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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