Absence of Pursuit


There are, at the very least, one hundred far more vital things I should be doing at this moment. Literally. I counted… vaguely. Point is: I’m not doing them. I’m doing this. Then again, one of the items on that half-hearted “I should be…” mental list is to finish a blog post. This isn’t it.

There is a word for my behavior: Avoidance.

I should be…
…doing laundry. We ran out of clean clothes. Yeah. It’s that bad. For a month I’ve been hauling only the bare essentials (towels, sheets, clothes for one week) to the laundromat every Monday. The rest of it is in laundry baskets lining my hallway. Key word: laundromat. If I can ever afford my own home again (or even afford a rental house) and then afford to purchase a washer and dryer… I will never complain about doing laundry ever again. Ever. That’s probably a lie.

I should be…
…at the gym. I’m not. I’m still fat. Go figure. This town needs a 24-hour gym. Seriously. I would probably still have a million excuses for my not being there (or not) but the idea seems like a dandy one and, well, I might go at 2am. Being awake at that time? Do you know me? Not an issue.

I should be…
…sleeping. See above. Beth = Insomniac. The sleep issues contribute heavily to my seeming inability to lose weight even when I am working out and eating right. How can my body heal if it doesn’t rest?

I should be…
…cleaning my kitchen. It’s dirty. Hell, the whole apartment is dirty; however, I have to separate the tasks by room or I’ll be too overwhelmed to do a damn thing about it. Then again, despair washed over me about two weeks ago. I’ve been laughing in frustration ever since.

I should be…
…reading. I have four different books started and untold numbers waiting to be read. I just can’t seem to do it anymore. How does a lifelong reader lose the desire to read?

I should be…
…working. I could go to work right now and stay there for a month straight, nights included, without running out of tasks. Truth. I could bring it home with me but, alas, I’m not a salaried employee. This means I don’t get paid a higher amount in exchange for more (Read: unlimited) hours on the clock and overtime is frowned upon. Blessing? Yes. Curse? That too.

I should be…
…praying, but I’m mad at God. I’m always mad at God. I think I have reason to be mad at God. It probably isn’t a good reason. It also has a lot to do with me not receiving many obvious blessings. Again, not a good reason. In looking back…I’ve been “overlooked” a lot in the blessing department… even when I was living a faithful and more righteous (I hate the word “righteous”.) life. The hard times far outweigh the good times. I shouldn’t be keeping score. Still…
By the way… don’t bombard me with a list of the “blessings” for which I should be thankful. I’m not so out of tune with it all that I don’t realize how blessed I am that my kids are healthy or that I have a job, etc. I just need (Yes, need.) some help from Him that I feel like I’m not getting. This subject could become a novel. No joke. This is where I end it before that happens.

I should be…
…blogging. Oh, this isn’t blogging. This is public self deprecation with a splash of whine.

I should be…
…developing a strategy for dealing with the teenager. Nothing else I’ve tried is working. Then again, I could start with reading (Bollocks! We covered the reading part.) the book on motivation my dad has been trying to force down my throat for more than six months now. He has this theory that it will help me motivate each of my boys differently since they are so very different. He’s probably right. He’s always right. Truth. He is. It would probably likely do me a world of good… the boys too. Two issues: 1) There is that little reading problem mentioned above. 2) Pride. I have issues with being force fed anything.

I had a longer list when this started. Then something happened. Hugely ironic, actually… but now I can’t finish this rant and, for once, it’s not because I’m avoiding it. My shortcomings, though still a problem, must take a back seat.

“When life demands more of people than they demand of life - as is ordinarily the case - what results is a resentment of life almost as deep-seated as the fear of death.” ~Tom Robbins




Photo credit: tsgentuso on Flickr.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, this is blogging all right. This is brave stuff. I wish I could do something like this when I need to, but I cannot.

    Yes, avoidance is indeed the word but it is also a message from the id to the ego. What that message is, I can't tell you of course. When the ego shuts up enough, the id's message will be clearly understood.

    Laundry - you are managing the bare essentials. Enough!

    Gyms are an abomination to the human spirit. There are other ways to use one's body vigorously: like washing clothes by hand in the bathtub, hanging them on a line, finding a reason to jump for joy.

    Not sleeping is a sure sign of unfulfilled waking hours. 'nuff said.

    I'm of the opinion that cleaning the kitchen is a sacred ritual. It should only be done in the right reverent joyful mood. You are perfectly right to postpone it till then.

    Your heart demands you read its book, and won't let you read any other till you have understood its words and acted on them.

    Outside your paid hours, work is not your affair but your employer's. To think or act otherwise is pure displacement activity. You need to address your issues directly.

    Being mad at God is praying. At least in my book. At any rate you have not abandoned the conversation.

    There is no should in blogging. It is for you and not your readers. What you have written here is pure blogging.

    Strategy for the teenager? Best strategy is for you yourself to be happy and fulfilled.

    I think I know what you need in your life. I won't say it. No need. There is nothing to prevent you taking the necessary steps. What are you waiting for?

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  2. My love, this sounds so very much like depression to me. I have lived in this place before. It sucks.

    Depression is not just sleeping all day. I functioned. I just didn't want to.

    Are you able ($$) to get help? E-mail me if you need to "talk," OK?

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  3. Depression? Yes. Well, part of it. The trick is... with being bipolar... I have to determine if this is a natural low or if my meds need adjusting.

    (((Hugs))) and a thousand thanks for being there.

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  4. OK, I was going to get on here and read you the riot act, but Vincent totally beat me to it and did a lot better than I would've to boot. So take what he said, times it by two and that's what I want you to hear.

    I'm going through this same thing, oh yeah, but I don't have sons I'm having to care for as well. You're doing the essentials - feeding, clothing, dealing, and for now that is ALL YOU CAN DO. It's not that you're lazy (seriously? No fucking way) or unmotivated (come ON, and don't get me started about parental advice). I know this because we're alike in so many ways, and I know the sound of a soul eating itself alive. You're exhausted. You're doing the BEST YOU CAN. Your life is clearly in a suck season right now, but it won't always be like this. It won't because it never is, for anybody. I wish that you could find a safe place. In your mind, with a counselor, anywhere you can go where you can start believing that you're all right, doing the best you can, your guilt is probably entirely unfounded (it really probably is) and you're a sincerely good person who is just in a crap chapter of life right now. This ain't you. This life - well, we all make choices and I won't deny that - and the hard spot you're in isn't your damnation for things you've done wrong. Compassion, dearest. Compassion for yourself. You are doing the best you can. You are. [starting to get REALLY repetitive now] You say that shit every time that Nazi Bitch in your brain lists all the things you're not doing to her satisfaction. Keep saying it until you're your OWN advocate in your mind, because the NB is currently SERIOUSLY harshing your buzz and for no good reason I can see.

    And try to take this with a grain - I get really preachy when I see people kicking the shit out of themselves. Love you.

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  5. Oh look, I DID read you the riot act. For god's sake, Cerise...

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  6. Right. Not a dang thing I can say that hasn't already been said. You know where I am if you need to know a live person is on the other end of the line. Always, sada katika moyo yangu.

    Nice cliff hanger, btw...

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  7. Ah, forgive me. I hadn't realized you were bipolar. You are more than familiar, then.

    ((hugs))

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  8. No forgiveness required, my dear. Hugs, however, are accepted... real or virtual. :)

    ReplyDelete

"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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