And... I Still Have No Gills

Photo © Rupert Hitchcox

“Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~Ambrose Bierce

I hate cheerleaders. Okay, fine. “Hate” is a little strong. I have a general dislike for cheerleaders. Then again, I’m not here to talk pep squad… except that I am here to throw my own voice into the “Rah! Rah! Yay EARTH!” chorus… which indirectly makes me a cheerleader for the planet and, though I adore the planet, I hate (No, really. Hate.) that particular association. I should delete this whole paragraph. Mmmm… nah. This is me, people. I’m always like this.

You want to know something even more disturbing? Not only am I not here to discuss cheerleading, I’m not really here to talk about global warming either… or how Mother Earth is supremely pissed at humanity… or how desperately I want to hug
Leonardo DiCaprio because he cares about my Mt. Kilimanjaro and is using his fame for good. Like I need an ecological excuse to want to hug the new, improved, super sexy, manly Leo… but I digress. Again.

My point is this: I’m damn cold.

Shall I connect the dots before the grey matter within my noggin’ runs amok again?

I love this planet.
I believe in global warming.
I’m a cheerleader for all things “recycle”, “green”, and “make a change”.


(Funny how there is always a “but”, huh?!)

…I am, and will always be, a complete and absolute failure at water conservation. I have lived where periods of mandatory reduction of water usage was dictated... necessary… where the water supply was cut off throughout the city for all but one or two hours a day. Pardon me while I shudder at the memories.

But, now, I live in a first world country that I sometimes loathe. A country that, for all its faults, provides me with a seemingly endless supply of clean water. It’s a crime that millions of people on this planet have no clean water or any water… when our planet IS water. This is the part where I tell the rest of you to conserve all the water you possibly can… so that there is always enough for me. I know. I’m a terrible person. I won’t be winning a humanitarian award anytime soon ever. I simply cannot give up water.

I love it.

I love water inside my body. I cherish the sweet nectar that is a tall glass of freezing cold water laden with a mountain of ice cubes. Oh, how I love ice. Crushed ice. Yep, I’m a crushed ice cruncher. Make of that what you will. I may never leave my current job simply because the greatest crushed ice maker in the world (slight exaggeration) is located there.

I love water on my body. I want to live near the ocean and dive in it daily. I like to play in streams, rivers (sans carnivorous reptiles, hungry hungry hippos or elephant poop), waterfalls, swimming pools, fountains and even lakes… although lake and pond waters are my least favorite forms of the substance of life. Followed by snow. I really, really hate snow. It snowed this week. I was in hell. A cold, hard hell. Oh, and tears. I find tears are decidedly not in my favor. There is a reason “tear” is a homonym. “That salty substance pouring out of your eyeballs” often has a lot to do with “that ripping sound coming from the organ in your chest”. (Don’t mind me. Digressing again.)

I adore showers and baths. Long showers. Full baths. Scalding hot water. Once, twice… multiple times a day. I shower to get clean. I read in the shower. I sleep in the shower. I bathe to relax. I shower or bathe post-workout. I shower to escape my children. I bathe to get warm. Oh, yes… my point.

Remember my point? Up at the top. Below the babble. Well, below the really out-of-control babble. Whatever. “I’m damn cold.”

Every winter I find myself wishing I was a tropical mermaid (Distinction needed. Have you seen those uber-cold loch water, nasty Harry Potter mermaids?) living in the “
Great Blue Hole". (Click the link. It isn’t anything naughty. I swear.) Then I wonder if mermaids suffer from dry skin. On their top halves, that is… not the scales. I might as well have scales because my skin positively hates (no exaggeration) me right now.

Yes, now. I should probably mention here that I’m in the bathtub. Now. Yep. I got in here specifically to get warm... hence the topic inspiration. No, I’m not a chronically cold-natured person. My equatorial blood simply cannot handle northern hemisphere winter. Yes, I have the computer with me. Sort of. In my small ass apartment the toilet is close enough for me to sit in the bath and type on the laptop sitting atop the toilet seat.

Sometimes I put it on the edge anyway.
One day it will fall in.
I’ll be super warm that day.
And dead.

Then the cheerleaders can laugh at me.


  1. I like water too. They use it to make beer.

    This was quite inspired writing. Just don't get dead by laptop...

  2. And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
    And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door. It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
    Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

    Yeah, I know. You bear your soul and all I can think of Robert Service. Must be the icicles hanging off the roof.

  3. Mark ~ Beer! Perhaps I should add beer to my bathing habits. Or... no. That would increase odds of electrocution via computer.

    Dori ~ I am distinctly not well versed in Robert Service. Frost? Yes. Service? No. Upon reading this passage I feel compelled to fix that problem. Thank you, my dear, as always!

  4. I liked this. I am in love with water too.

  5. Just don't electrocute yourself. Given your upbringing, only you'd mention elephant poop in the same sentence as rivers.

  6. Lady Beth. I bestow unto you...

    Recently I got a surprise… I got a stylish blogger award. I am passing it on to you because I love your blog and want to get it read by even more people. See my recent post for the list with your blog on it!

    So here are the rules for acceptance of the award:

    1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
    2. Share 7 things about yourself.
    3. Award 5 recently discovered great bloggers.
    4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

    There is a button that goes with the award. Click on mine and copy the properties into your own blog.

    xo, S

  7. Oh Beth this is a wonderful wonderful wonderful post.
    May I repost it to the group site?
    Drop me a line and let me know

  8. This is an awesome post. Now that the snow has returned this week, I wish you much warmth!


"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman


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