Day One: STFU!


“‘Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on. ‘I do,’ Alice hastily replied; ‘at least - at least I mean what I say - that's the same thing, you know.’” ~Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland


I do not know if I am truly prepared for this venture; however, I can always fall back on my natural talent for bullshit if necessary.

Sidebar: It is a talent and it does, apparently, run in the family. I attended the same Christian university where my father and brother attended. It was there that my Old Testament Studies professor asked if I was my father’s daughter. After I responded in the affirmative, he chose to tell me that I bullshitted like the rest of the family. I later… and by “later” I mean the next morning due to the eight hour time difference between Arkansas and Kenya… called my father to brag. Preacher man laughed. I then called my brother, who was in seminary at the time, and he too enjoyed a right good chuckle.


Reminder: These are the questions I’ll be answering over the next ten, fourteen… twenty days. I know. It should be one a day. I make no promises that such a thing will happen. They will, however, all get answered.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

TEN THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO TEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW

TEN: “Take a lunch break, already!!!!”
The roof is being replaced on my place of business. It’s a large roof. This has been going on for days and will continue for even more. The roofers must take breaks in shifts because the banging never ends. I would pray for rain but that would only postpone the inevitability of them reaching the spot directly over my desk. I’m going to go flirt with the project manager and see if he won’t hold off until Thursday or Friday to reach this area. I won’t be here Thursday and Friday. This plan is good. This plan is sound… a far better sound than that damn BANGING!

NINE: “How about coffee?”
See key words “project” and “manager” in number TEN above.

EIGHT: “Get. Your. Ass. In. Gear.”
Uh, yeah… I yell at myself. I answer too. I blame that on the crazy.

SEVEN: “Favoritism of students does not become you and it makes them feel like shit.”
This is the irate mother speaking.

SIX: “Change the channel.”
I love my father dearly. But, his choice of television entertainment (I use the word “entertainment” loosely.) drives me crazy. He’s getting far more conservative lately. FOX News is a staple in his home. FOX News makes me want to stab myself in the eyeball with an ice pick. Also, Mike Huckabee, decent enough guy that he is, doesn’t walk on water. Let’s leave that to Jesus. I can’t say this to him “right now” because I’m not in his home. Then again, I never will because: 1) I simply have far too much respect for him to say it aloud and 2) It isn’t my house.

FIVE: “Why are you LOL-ing?”
Let me say here that I just broke a personal rule. I vowed to never type “LOL” in my life. And… now I’ve done it. Twice. Boo. Dear friends who put this at the end of every text or email or instant message: You know who you are. Stop it. Stop it now. You didn’t laugh out loud. Odds are you didn’t even chuckle.

FOUR: “How do you still have your job when you never actually do your job?”
Let’s shoot that comment into the atmosphere and just see who it chooses to rain down upon.

THREE: “Don’t you think it’s high time you came to visit?”
Yeah. Okay. Moving on…

TWO: “My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch.” ~French Kiss, Film (1995)
Not you people…but there are such people. Speaking of those people…

ONE: “Shut the f*ck up!” (aka: STFU!) [I edited. Bite me.]
I hate your voice. No, really. Not just the words, though those are usually of a rather asinine nature, but your voice itself causes me physical pain. As does your grammar. Stop speaking. <-- So says the woman who breaks grammatical rules on a regular basis. I still think one should fully understand aforementioned rules before one should be allowed to break them. It takes a fair amount of style to break the rules of language on purpose… primarily for artistic value or emphasis. Breaking the rules because “this done just be how I is taught to speak” is ignorance in action for anyone who ever set foot in a classroom. Listen to the people around you. Learn. This applies quite specifically to two individuals of my acquaintance… and they aren’t my children.


I have a lot of “I love you!” and “Thank you!” comments I throw out regularly. I usually don’t have trouble doing that so I didn’t include them here. In fact, I usually have no trouble vocalizing pretty much anything I want to say. Ask my boss.

9 comments:

  1. 1st, Fox News is the Devil.

    2nd, I too usually say what I have on my mind so I had trouble with this one when I was working on the notes. I may still write it, we shall see.

    3rd, #9 is my favorite.

    4th, glad to have you back.

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  2. My daughter must have an LOL button because she LOL's in texts and FB messages to me all the LOL time. Oddly enough, her LOLing is sorta sweet and endearing...if it was your kids, I'd wanna strangle them. :-)

    Srsly, you had me laughing out loud a couple of places. I am so looking forward to the remainder of your answers. (And yours weren't all mopey and naval-gazelly like mine were) LOL

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  3. I hate LOL too! I prefer hahaha. It's longer, but better. :)

    I enjoyed this post. I should visit more often.

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  4. Ha! This was awesome! Excellent way to handle this! Between you & Mark, I'm going to have to rely on either my inner smart-a** or brutal honesty. I'm sure that either one will get me in huge trouble.

    And yes...I am guilty of using LOL, although I am partial to LOL's cousin, LMFAO...which I did, when reading this post!

    :)

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  5. I LOL'd. (I'm sorry)

    It's funny how we've never met but I feel like I know you, know what I mean? I think you'd be really cool to hang out with.

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  6. The French Kiss quote? I use that to mock my beloved (yet oft times curmudgeonly) husband all the time...he loves me! :)

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  7. Just wanted to say that I have spent SEVERAL hours reading (in chronoligical order) and catching up on the blogs of my peeps, of which you are no doubt one, since I've been absent from the land of the blog since September 2010! Yipes! I've enjoyed "catching up" with you and look forward to more!

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  8. Too funny. Most of these readlly did crack me up, and then I had to go back and see how often I "LOL". I know I "LMAO" & "LMFAO", but that's ok....right?

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  9. I also have a father (and mother) obsessed with Fox News who believe everything said on such channel. I too want to stab myself in the eye. I got them their own TV in my house so they can watch it away from my presence and told them as much.

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"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman

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