F*ck If

“It’s fun to think of the what-if. Scary, but fun. It’s like, I thought this door was closed before, but here it is open just the tiniest crack. What if?” ― Jenny HanTo All the Boys I've Loved Before

This moment of clarification came to me in 2010 while I was writing elsewhere. It's a reminder that seems oddly relevant today – though not for the same reason. Still, the sentiment remains. 

          Fuck If

          I fell in love once. Twenty years ago.

          Right. Yes, I was sixteen.

          Everyone thinks they found love in high school.
          Sure. I thought I was in love…

          … at fifteen. Nope.
          … and seventeen. No.
          … again at twenty. Tragedy.

          No, this was different. My love was intense, forgiving,      
         whole, unconditional and volatile.

          Time. Two busy decades.

          Dating. Delusions. Divorces. Distance. Disport. Deliveries.
          Delights. Death. Drama. Demons. Dogma. Drudgery. Diets. 
          Doctrine. Deception. Dreams. And always…


          Damn “If.”

          What if…
          If only…
          If he…
          If I…
          If we…

         Fuck “If.”

         I did... instead of him. And, I am free. Finally.


  1. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
    Steven Wright (1955 - )

  2. nah, seriously IF we look backwards, rewind history - i could have married you and engendered three poetically beautiful successful children ...
    Didn't happen.
    However, i remain appreciative of whatever you write.

  3. Oooer, you should have deleted these comments.
    IF there was a sensible person reading them.

  4. OK, forgive me (and am sure you have the ability and decision to 'publish' or not) ... no problem from me -
    But has always fascinated me as to why you always choose
    "other person's words".

    Do you not believe that what YOU write, from your heart, from YOUR experience - has any value?

    O, apologies. I also understand some things about "private" .. especially these days when everything can be "hacked" and spread worldwide.

    Stay safe.

  5. I think of it more as "other person's words" emphasizing what I want to say. :)


"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?" ~Walt Whitman


Blog Widget by LinkWithin